Post by Tayl on Jul 28, 2015 19:19:58 GMT -6
like i said in my draw topic all of my writes from here on out will be their own topics but yeah here's some recent stuff
and i'm just going to link Toxicology Report bc it's really long and has too much stuff to bbcode at and i'm lazy plus it has links to supplementary material so yeah
if you want to see more of my writing that you might've missed or something, check out my dA and my writing tag!
{rosen sillage}Content Warnings: Kind of abstract, brief mentions of blood and gore and insects but that's basically it
What was he, again? A beating heart?
He laid there, unable to tell where he was or what he was or how he was. He could have been curled up into a ball or on his side or maybe both, or maybe he wasn’t even there at all.
No, he had to be. He could feel it. He could feel it all. He could feel her claws at the back of his head, scratching at his scalp in search of an open door, peeling off the most outermost layer of his mind. He could feel the pounding everywhere, in the heart he didn’t have and in the bones he didn’t have and in the throat he thought was spilling blood but couldn’t have. He could feel the roses blooming in his eyes and the breeze of their wings on his ears and their legs dancing in the blood that pooled inside of him, weighing him down under the blackness that was all he could comprehend. Every time he tried to think, the static swallowed him again. Struggling to feel something that wasn’t cold, he pulled his coat closer, closed up a little more, wondered if he was hearing himself breathing or if that was someone else.
“…you're far too valuable to just lose like that.”
Huh? What was that?
Oh, right. He was saying something earlier, wasn’t he?
There wasn’t anything to see here even if you could see here at all, but nonetheless Dicro opened his eyes in search of something. How did he get here, again? Right, Ignis was there. And there were eyes. There were a lot of eyes. They were in Umbra’s subconscious… and then the butterflies.
He could feel them there, still. He didn’t remember them leaving. What else could that crawling sensation be? That wasn’t important, though. He remembered the static and the buzz and the lights and the darkness and the thoughts that threatened to consume him and the absence of being and when it stopped, everything was dead. There was a flickering, a hammering, but it was quiet again. Ignis helped him back, and then… well, they were moving again. But what did he say?
Something about shredding… that magician from before… no, don’t shred the magician. Okay. Not a request he liked much, but okay. Is there anything else you need? That’s what Dicro asked, something along those lines. And he said he was just going to stay here in Fray’s subconscious – okay, so that’s where he was. That’s why it was so dark and vaguely familiar. Then Ignis responded to his question, and that response was…
“Suit yourself, I guess. Don't let anyone come and mind creep you while you're away, of course... you're far too valuable to just lose like that.”
Huh. That was weird. Valuable?
Had he ever been called that before? He had heard “I love you,” “thank you,” “I appreciate it,” but “you’re valuable”? That was odd. He wanted to turn over, to look up blankly into the void, but he worried his face wouldn’t come with him.
What was he getting at? Was Ignis just buttering him up because he owed him, maybe twice over now? He wasn’t taking that seriously, was he? Not that he wasn’t appreciative of the offer, but it really wasn’t necessary. Did Ignis know that? Did he know that he was really just doing this for fun? That the Competitions were long and stressful and he wanted to avoid them so it was just fun to kind of… go off and do his own thing with someone who didn’t really have any reason to hate him?
Oh, that was a strange thought. They didn’t really know each other much, did they? They knew of each other, a little, but come to think of it, Ignis really didn’t have any reason to dislike him, did he? He wasn’t there to watch him ruin anything or hurt anyone or kill people and, as far as he could tell, he probably would’ve approved of that, anyway. The extent of their reaction had been Dicro helping him out with whatever he wanted without question or hesitation. He was fine with him using Fray as an avatar, he had no issues pushing him out of her body, he suggested taking over Entirety and then decided to help him do it without Ignis even needing to ask, he sacrificed most of his soul to block out Opine’s connection to Umbra just to make Ignis’ life more convenient, even went on to ask genuinely if he needed anything else and certainly would have at least tried to fulfill any further requests he had. That was awfully convenient.
So that was it. He was a tool. He was the means to an end. But an irreplaceable tool; who else could help him take over Entirety? Who else would? That was interesting. He had never been anything like that before. Even to his friends all he had been was trouble and consequence and a fear that kept him from becoming anything more. But to Ignis, he had to have been more of a something than a someone. You don’t get attached to a tool. A tool doesn’t ruin your life when it doesn’t work perfectly so long as it gets the job done. And it does; it gets the job done to no fanfare, without any rebellion or hesitation or care in the world. You might have a certain fondness for a tool if you use it enough, but it doesn’t become a part of you. It doesn’t hurt you unless you force it to.
Dicro wasn’t expecting it, but the idea was oddly comforting to him. Everyone’s interest in him had always been complicated, full of drops to depth he wished he didn’t know. But this was different. Ignis just needed him to help him accomplish his goals. He didn’t care about his past or his relationships or his morals, he just wanted Dicro to help him take over Entirety and be done with it. It was certainly possible that Ignis would just throw him out afterward, but how often do you just throw a hammer or a screwdriver into the trash after using it? That would be a waste. You might need it later.
Even if not, it didn’t matter. Dicro generally tried to avoid thinking too far into the future. Nothing ever went right there. He preferred to stay blind to it – and it seemed like that’s how Ignis dealt with his problems, too.
He idly wondered what would happen if he ignored the Competition and just… went on with this. It almost sounded nice. He ignored what she whispered in his ear. It sounded nice.
When he opened his eyes again, he found they weren’t his. He swore he heard laughter before he let the darkness take him back.
What was he, again? A beating heart?
He laid there, unable to tell where he was or what he was or how he was. He could have been curled up into a ball or on his side or maybe both, or maybe he wasn’t even there at all.
No, he had to be. He could feel it. He could feel it all. He could feel her claws at the back of his head, scratching at his scalp in search of an open door, peeling off the most outermost layer of his mind. He could feel the pounding everywhere, in the heart he didn’t have and in the bones he didn’t have and in the throat he thought was spilling blood but couldn’t have. He could feel the roses blooming in his eyes and the breeze of their wings on his ears and their legs dancing in the blood that pooled inside of him, weighing him down under the blackness that was all he could comprehend. Every time he tried to think, the static swallowed him again. Struggling to feel something that wasn’t cold, he pulled his coat closer, closed up a little more, wondered if he was hearing himself breathing or if that was someone else.
“…you're far too valuable to just lose like that.”
Huh? What was that?
Oh, right. He was saying something earlier, wasn’t he?
There wasn’t anything to see here even if you could see here at all, but nonetheless Dicro opened his eyes in search of something. How did he get here, again? Right, Ignis was there. And there were eyes. There were a lot of eyes. They were in Umbra’s subconscious… and then the butterflies.
He could feel them there, still. He didn’t remember them leaving. What else could that crawling sensation be? That wasn’t important, though. He remembered the static and the buzz and the lights and the darkness and the thoughts that threatened to consume him and the absence of being and when it stopped, everything was dead. There was a flickering, a hammering, but it was quiet again. Ignis helped him back, and then… well, they were moving again. But what did he say?
Something about shredding… that magician from before… no, don’t shred the magician. Okay. Not a request he liked much, but okay. Is there anything else you need? That’s what Dicro asked, something along those lines. And he said he was just going to stay here in Fray’s subconscious – okay, so that’s where he was. That’s why it was so dark and vaguely familiar. Then Ignis responded to his question, and that response was…
“Suit yourself, I guess. Don't let anyone come and mind creep you while you're away, of course... you're far too valuable to just lose like that.”
Huh. That was weird. Valuable?
Had he ever been called that before? He had heard “I love you,” “thank you,” “I appreciate it,” but “you’re valuable”? That was odd. He wanted to turn over, to look up blankly into the void, but he worried his face wouldn’t come with him.
What was he getting at? Was Ignis just buttering him up because he owed him, maybe twice over now? He wasn’t taking that seriously, was he? Not that he wasn’t appreciative of the offer, but it really wasn’t necessary. Did Ignis know that? Did he know that he was really just doing this for fun? That the Competitions were long and stressful and he wanted to avoid them so it was just fun to kind of… go off and do his own thing with someone who didn’t really have any reason to hate him?
Oh, that was a strange thought. They didn’t really know each other much, did they? They knew of each other, a little, but come to think of it, Ignis really didn’t have any reason to dislike him, did he? He wasn’t there to watch him ruin anything or hurt anyone or kill people and, as far as he could tell, he probably would’ve approved of that, anyway. The extent of their reaction had been Dicro helping him out with whatever he wanted without question or hesitation. He was fine with him using Fray as an avatar, he had no issues pushing him out of her body, he suggested taking over Entirety and then decided to help him do it without Ignis even needing to ask, he sacrificed most of his soul to block out Opine’s connection to Umbra just to make Ignis’ life more convenient, even went on to ask genuinely if he needed anything else and certainly would have at least tried to fulfill any further requests he had. That was awfully convenient.
So that was it. He was a tool. He was the means to an end. But an irreplaceable tool; who else could help him take over Entirety? Who else would? That was interesting. He had never been anything like that before. Even to his friends all he had been was trouble and consequence and a fear that kept him from becoming anything more. But to Ignis, he had to have been more of a something than a someone. You don’t get attached to a tool. A tool doesn’t ruin your life when it doesn’t work perfectly so long as it gets the job done. And it does; it gets the job done to no fanfare, without any rebellion or hesitation or care in the world. You might have a certain fondness for a tool if you use it enough, but it doesn’t become a part of you. It doesn’t hurt you unless you force it to.
Dicro wasn’t expecting it, but the idea was oddly comforting to him. Everyone’s interest in him had always been complicated, full of drops to depth he wished he didn’t know. But this was different. Ignis just needed him to help him accomplish his goals. He didn’t care about his past or his relationships or his morals, he just wanted Dicro to help him take over Entirety and be done with it. It was certainly possible that Ignis would just throw him out afterward, but how often do you just throw a hammer or a screwdriver into the trash after using it? That would be a waste. You might need it later.
Even if not, it didn’t matter. Dicro generally tried to avoid thinking too far into the future. Nothing ever went right there. He preferred to stay blind to it – and it seemed like that’s how Ignis dealt with his problems, too.
He idly wondered what would happen if he ignored the Competition and just… went on with this. It almost sounded nice. He ignored what she whispered in his ear. It sounded nice.
When he opened his eyes again, he found they weren’t his. He swore he heard laughter before he let the darkness take him back.
{Morning}It was early, and as far as Orange knew no one else was awake. Not quite alive enough to determine if that was a good thing or a bad thing, he thought nothing more of it and pulled himself out of his room, blanket dragging along the ground with him. Even indoors this planet was entirely too cold. LeFleuris would’ve hated it here. He stood there in front of the coffeemaker, imagining his complaints beside him.
Something like “this place is too fucking cold, how does anyone even live here?,” he would’ve grumbled, swaddled in at least three blankets and visibly resisting the urge to pour the entire pot of coffee over his head. As though it had really happened, Orange smiled.
Yawning, Orange shuffled over to the alcove, collapsing ever so carefully onto the couch that lined it so as not to spill. He laid there for a while, focusing on the heat of the mug in his hands. Maybe he was just hallucinating or not quite lucid yet, but the room was so cold that he could barely feel anything at all. Eventually he sat up again, considerably more aware of his lips burning as he took a sip of his coffee. That was exactly why he rarely drank it before, but after that happened he slipped into the habit to keep himself going and never quite got out of it.
He almost let it hurt him again and, too tired to deal with those memories, distracted himself by looking out the window. If this planet was anything like his own, it had to be early. The sun just barely glistened on the waves, and if you lifted your eyes just a bit higher stars still dotted the sky. Forgetting what he was going to think about next, he sat there blankly with his lips at the rim of his mug, too numb by now to care. It had to be warmer out there. Those colors wouldn’t lie to him. He hoped they wouldn’t.
“Morning!”
He had been caught just a second too soon; one more and he would have been cleaning coffee off of the windows and praying that nothing got stained. That not a single drop soiled anything as he recoiled into a corner of the couch was an unprecedented second miracle.
“Wow, very impressive, Li’l Oregano!” Chiro marveled, clapping their hands. “That doesn’t happen very often!”
They sat down right across from him, their visor’s suspicious absence putting nothing between their line of sight and Orange’s quivering form.
“See, usually you just spit coffee everywhere. It’s hilarious! Exactly like you’d see on TV! Comedy gold!” they continued on without skipping a beat.
“Well, no,” they rubbed their chin, “I suppose sometimes you react the same way you did just now, but coffee ends up everywhere anyway. Still kind of funny, but not classic enough for a laugh track. And it ends disappointingly. Cleaning and bitter passive-aggression aren’t much fun, Li’l Oregano.”
“But you went for it anyway.” Orange commented, more curious than angry.
“Of course!” Chiro laughed, arms spread. “I had to see if I could achieve my lofty goal of surprising you without consequence, and I managed to pull it off! I’m sure the others are jealous. Or will be.”
It was almost funny to Orange how accustomed he had become to this sort of thing. Sure, it was seldom that Chiro didn’t catch him off-guard, but by now it never threw him for long. Ironically, their unpredictability had become something he could rely on. It was something he hadn’t thought about until recently, but Chiro’s utter lack of concern and detachment from what Orange could comprehend as reality was something he found increasingly comforting. They were a constant. No matter what Orange said or did, no matter which path he chose, no matter who he kept close, Chiro would always be there. They would never get angry at him, they would never be upset with him; anything he could ever do would be just as they desired.
Though they almost certainly did, Orange found himself wondering if Chiro knew that.
“Pretty quiet there, Li’l Oregano. What’s on your mind this time?” Chiro asked, propping their head up with their elbows on their knees.
Orange straightened himself out in his seat, searching for his reflection in his coffee. Wondering if he would find the words there with it, he let the silence drag on until Chiro took the initiative and sat down beside him.
“You should really just say it,” they whispered in his ear. “Nothing bad ever happens.”
He gave Chiro a fleeting glance before returning to his coffee, too tired to fidget. He took a sip to focus himself, then another.
“Do you have any regrets?” Orange asked.
“I mean… you. You specifically. The you in front of me.” he added on quickly.
Chiro cocked an eyebrow, silent for an uncharacteristically long time. Was that something they usually did, for effect or emphasis or otherwise? Or had Orange really managed to surprise them? He doubted that was even possible, but it was nice to entertain the thought.
“See, Orange,” they finally began, leaning back. Orange tensed up. Very rarely did Chiro refer to anyone by their actual name, and when they did it tended to be a sign that something either terrifying or unsettling was about to occur. Of course, Orange wasn’t an enemy of Hadris’ and therefore there was no reason for Chiro to destroy his pitiful psyche, but given Chiro’s peculiar nature it was never completely out of the question.
“That’s a tricky question. Can’t blame you for looking at me and just thinking of it as me, but it’s really not like that, y’know? Think of me as an avatar. Just a flesh husk with an infinitely-expanding mind. ‘Individual mes’ don’t really put too much stock into their individual experiences because, well, they’re not individuals, really!” they explained with the same lightness they spoke with in every other conversation.
“I mean, I’d be lying if I said I didn’t feel a little sad every once in a while after doing something,” they continued a little more thoughtfully, “But in the end, everything benefits me. Not much to regret there.”
“It must be nice.” Orange blurted out. Though he never meant it consciously, he tended to be more up-front around Chiro. Maybe somewhere in the back of his mind, he figured that some version of himself in some Entirety always said something – and if that was the case, Chiro would know what he was thinking either way. Staying quiet was pointless.
“Not really having to worry about the decisions you make, always knowing what’ll happen if you do or don’t do something…” he went on dreamily, glancing past Chiro and out the window again.
“It is! It’s wonderful!” Chiro confirmed enthusiastically.
“But,” they leaned in, throwing an arm around him, “I’ll let you in on a little secret.”
Before Orange could take in the words they had just spoken to him, Chiro stood up and offered him a hand. He stared at them blankly for a few moments before leaving his mug on the coffee table and accepting it. Wordlessly, Chiro led him into the hallway, past their rooms and up the stairs. They climbed in spirals to the top, where Chiro stopped him before the unending window that surrounded them.
“It’s nice, isn’t it?” they spoke up, hands on Orange’s shoulders.
“Um… yeah, it’s pretty nice.” Orange answered as he stared out at the ocean that grew ever warmer, struggling to figure out where Chiro was going with this before they got there.
“You know, we don’t always come here. Not always me and not always you. Sometimes none of us come. Sometimes Drew never even finds this place. So you and I never have this conversation.”
They leaned in and whispered to him again, “But you don’t remember any of that, do you? You can’t regret not being here in a world you can’t experience.”
“I guess?” Orange furrowed his brow, “But that’s not really what I-”
Suddenly, Chiro whirled him around and pushed him against the railing, hands a little closer to his throat now.
“What if I pushed you over this railing just now? What if you fell all the way to the bottom, unhindered? Or what if you fell a little strangely and hit your head on the stairs on the way down?”
“T-That would suck.” Orange stuttered, not sure if that was meant to be a rhetorical question.
“It would, wouldn’t it?” Chiro chuckled, releasing him again. Shuddering slightly, Orange wrapped his blanket more tightly around him.
“It would suck if you remembered every time you died, right? Or even just every time you got hurt. Every possibility, all the time, forever.” Chiro began anew, walking around the room in a circle. Orange followed close behind – but not too closely.
“See, right now, somewhere, I’m dying. I’m choking, I’m drowning, I’m falling. I’m being torn apart, shot at, tortured, eviscerated, blown to pieces, reduced to ashes… at every second there’s an ever-expanding number of mes that are suffering in unimaginably painful ways!”
Orange winced. Was this supposed to be a pep talk? This was a weird pep talk.
“Don’t get me wrong – it doesn’t bother me much.” they assured him, dismissively waving a hand. “After all, I was born into this. It’s just who I am! If there’s one thing I can’t comprehend, it’s not being vividly aware of every experience I could ever have at once. I’d be awfully empty inside if I couldn’t feel my organs being ripped out at every single moment, y’know?”
No, he didn’t know. He didn’t really want to. But he wasn’t going to question Chiro’s logic.
They turned toward the sun and stopped, almost causing Orange to bump into them. They threw an arm around him and placed the other on their hip, standing as though they were taking pride in the world outside – a world that was unquestionably theirs.
“But you? And just about everyone else, for that matter? Well, I don’t think you’d find that sort of life much fun at all! It’s not really something that you can learn to love, or even just get used to. It has to be part of you from the start. It’s a dangerous thing to wish for.”
Chiro’s grip on him relaxed as they turned to look at him, “Of course, I know you didn’t need to be told that. I know where you’re coming from. It would be nice if you could just see a few futures, if you could just see which option would do the least harm – that’s what you’re thinking, right?”
Orange didn’t respond, which did nothing to stop them.
“You’re not wrong! You could live a more comfortable life like that, absolutely! But would it really be as satisfying? What if the choice that did the least harm to everyone else did the most harm to you? Wouldn’t you spend the rest of your life relying on the future to make everyone happy? I’m sure you can believe me when I tell you that you would. Knowledge can be a heavy burden.”
For a few seconds, neither of them spoke, fixated on the horizon.
“Again, I’m sure that’s something you already knew. That wasn’t the secret I was going to tell you.”
Chiro turned to face him and Orange returned the action. Light flooded the room as the sun crawled higher, illuminating the hand that gingerly tilted his head upward.
“Listen, Orange.”
His name barely registered.
“The truth is that there are just as many yous as there are mes. Your life is as infinite as mine. The only difference between us is that you can’t see from anyone’s eyes but your own. As far as you’re aware, you’re the only one who really exists.”
Certain that Orange’s gaze was firmly locked with their own, Chiro returned both hands to his shoulders.
“And if that’s what you’re limited to, you really ought to make yourself a priority. There are plenty of other yous out there that can go off and waste their lives worrying about how their actions will affect others. But I think this you, the one right here in front of me, would be much happier if he just did what he thought best for himself.”
“What if I ruin everything by doing that?” Orange asked quietly, not untrusting enough to look away.
“You can never ruin everything! No, not you. But mistakes are there for you to make. Just like me, you have to do everything you do for the sake of discovery. You have to be a little selfish or you’ll never get any joy out of the choices you make! Sure, my decisions and yours aren’t quite on the same scale, and they’ll never have the same sort of context, but I think you’ll have a lot more fun if you do your own thinking.”
Their hands sunk down to his arms. “I won’t lie, you’ll make some people upset. You’ll make them angry. You’ll make enemies and destroy lives, sure! But that’s going to happen no matter what you do, especially given your position. So, why bother stressing out over who you’re going to hurt? If you’re going to pick sides, why not just pick your own? It’s much easier to just focus on yourself.”
Normally the thought of destroying the lives of others no matter what wouldn’t be particularly comforting to him, but Orange found himself understanding exactly what Chiro meant. He didn’t know if he wanted to give up on worrying about others entirely, but the thought of doing what he believed was right without regard to how everyone would react was seductive, to say the least.
“Your perspective is your universe, Orange,” Chiro continued, “and you’re the god of it. If you’re going to be trapped here, you might as well expand your world as far as it’ll go.”
They leaned in closer, taking his hands.
“And no matter what sort of place it becomes,” they said softly, “I’ll always be in it.”
Orange felt his heart stop. How was he supposed to respond to that? What was he supposed to say now? Was his face as red as it felt? Suddenly embarrassed, he turned his head away only to come face to face with Elemon frozen at the top of the stairs.
“…Am I interrupting something?” they asked bluntly.
Chiro turned to them and smiled, all without releasing Orange.
“Not at all, Elliot!” Chiro informed them cheerfully. “We were just finishing up, actually! Right, Li’l Oregano?”
“Uhh…”
“I see.” Elemon replied. Orange was sure they were squinting under their hood. “We’re heading out soon. Venith and I will be waiting downstairs.”
“Righty-o, good chum! We’ll be there in just a second!” Chiro saluted, taking Orange’s hand with them. Elemon nodded silently and headed back down the staircase, presumably just as dumbfounded as Orange was. Once Elemon was gone Chiro returned their attention to Orange, letting go of his hands in a motion that was so fluid, so natural that Orange didn’t realize it had happened until Chiro was already a few steps away.
They paused at the beginning of the staircase, back turned to him.
“You know, Orange…”
Chiro turned their head just slightly enough to see Orange again, standing there like a deer in the headlights. The longer Chiro waited to indulge him, the wider his eyes grew.
“I think I’ve become rather fond of you.”
They left him there by the window, right where the stars melted into the dawn.
Something like “this place is too fucking cold, how does anyone even live here?,” he would’ve grumbled, swaddled in at least three blankets and visibly resisting the urge to pour the entire pot of coffee over his head. As though it had really happened, Orange smiled.
Yawning, Orange shuffled over to the alcove, collapsing ever so carefully onto the couch that lined it so as not to spill. He laid there for a while, focusing on the heat of the mug in his hands. Maybe he was just hallucinating or not quite lucid yet, but the room was so cold that he could barely feel anything at all. Eventually he sat up again, considerably more aware of his lips burning as he took a sip of his coffee. That was exactly why he rarely drank it before, but after that happened he slipped into the habit to keep himself going and never quite got out of it.
He almost let it hurt him again and, too tired to deal with those memories, distracted himself by looking out the window. If this planet was anything like his own, it had to be early. The sun just barely glistened on the waves, and if you lifted your eyes just a bit higher stars still dotted the sky. Forgetting what he was going to think about next, he sat there blankly with his lips at the rim of his mug, too numb by now to care. It had to be warmer out there. Those colors wouldn’t lie to him. He hoped they wouldn’t.
“Morning!”
He had been caught just a second too soon; one more and he would have been cleaning coffee off of the windows and praying that nothing got stained. That not a single drop soiled anything as he recoiled into a corner of the couch was an unprecedented second miracle.
“Wow, very impressive, Li’l Oregano!” Chiro marveled, clapping their hands. “That doesn’t happen very often!”
They sat down right across from him, their visor’s suspicious absence putting nothing between their line of sight and Orange’s quivering form.
“See, usually you just spit coffee everywhere. It’s hilarious! Exactly like you’d see on TV! Comedy gold!” they continued on without skipping a beat.
“Well, no,” they rubbed their chin, “I suppose sometimes you react the same way you did just now, but coffee ends up everywhere anyway. Still kind of funny, but not classic enough for a laugh track. And it ends disappointingly. Cleaning and bitter passive-aggression aren’t much fun, Li’l Oregano.”
“But you went for it anyway.” Orange commented, more curious than angry.
“Of course!” Chiro laughed, arms spread. “I had to see if I could achieve my lofty goal of surprising you without consequence, and I managed to pull it off! I’m sure the others are jealous. Or will be.”
It was almost funny to Orange how accustomed he had become to this sort of thing. Sure, it was seldom that Chiro didn’t catch him off-guard, but by now it never threw him for long. Ironically, their unpredictability had become something he could rely on. It was something he hadn’t thought about until recently, but Chiro’s utter lack of concern and detachment from what Orange could comprehend as reality was something he found increasingly comforting. They were a constant. No matter what Orange said or did, no matter which path he chose, no matter who he kept close, Chiro would always be there. They would never get angry at him, they would never be upset with him; anything he could ever do would be just as they desired.
Though they almost certainly did, Orange found himself wondering if Chiro knew that.
“Pretty quiet there, Li’l Oregano. What’s on your mind this time?” Chiro asked, propping their head up with their elbows on their knees.
Orange straightened himself out in his seat, searching for his reflection in his coffee. Wondering if he would find the words there with it, he let the silence drag on until Chiro took the initiative and sat down beside him.
“You should really just say it,” they whispered in his ear. “Nothing bad ever happens.”
He gave Chiro a fleeting glance before returning to his coffee, too tired to fidget. He took a sip to focus himself, then another.
“Do you have any regrets?” Orange asked.
“I mean… you. You specifically. The you in front of me.” he added on quickly.
Chiro cocked an eyebrow, silent for an uncharacteristically long time. Was that something they usually did, for effect or emphasis or otherwise? Or had Orange really managed to surprise them? He doubted that was even possible, but it was nice to entertain the thought.
“See, Orange,” they finally began, leaning back. Orange tensed up. Very rarely did Chiro refer to anyone by their actual name, and when they did it tended to be a sign that something either terrifying or unsettling was about to occur. Of course, Orange wasn’t an enemy of Hadris’ and therefore there was no reason for Chiro to destroy his pitiful psyche, but given Chiro’s peculiar nature it was never completely out of the question.
“That’s a tricky question. Can’t blame you for looking at me and just thinking of it as me, but it’s really not like that, y’know? Think of me as an avatar. Just a flesh husk with an infinitely-expanding mind. ‘Individual mes’ don’t really put too much stock into their individual experiences because, well, they’re not individuals, really!” they explained with the same lightness they spoke with in every other conversation.
“I mean, I’d be lying if I said I didn’t feel a little sad every once in a while after doing something,” they continued a little more thoughtfully, “But in the end, everything benefits me. Not much to regret there.”
“It must be nice.” Orange blurted out. Though he never meant it consciously, he tended to be more up-front around Chiro. Maybe somewhere in the back of his mind, he figured that some version of himself in some Entirety always said something – and if that was the case, Chiro would know what he was thinking either way. Staying quiet was pointless.
“Not really having to worry about the decisions you make, always knowing what’ll happen if you do or don’t do something…” he went on dreamily, glancing past Chiro and out the window again.
“It is! It’s wonderful!” Chiro confirmed enthusiastically.
“But,” they leaned in, throwing an arm around him, “I’ll let you in on a little secret.”
Before Orange could take in the words they had just spoken to him, Chiro stood up and offered him a hand. He stared at them blankly for a few moments before leaving his mug on the coffee table and accepting it. Wordlessly, Chiro led him into the hallway, past their rooms and up the stairs. They climbed in spirals to the top, where Chiro stopped him before the unending window that surrounded them.
“It’s nice, isn’t it?” they spoke up, hands on Orange’s shoulders.
“Um… yeah, it’s pretty nice.” Orange answered as he stared out at the ocean that grew ever warmer, struggling to figure out where Chiro was going with this before they got there.
“You know, we don’t always come here. Not always me and not always you. Sometimes none of us come. Sometimes Drew never even finds this place. So you and I never have this conversation.”
They leaned in and whispered to him again, “But you don’t remember any of that, do you? You can’t regret not being here in a world you can’t experience.”
“I guess?” Orange furrowed his brow, “But that’s not really what I-”
Suddenly, Chiro whirled him around and pushed him against the railing, hands a little closer to his throat now.
“What if I pushed you over this railing just now? What if you fell all the way to the bottom, unhindered? Or what if you fell a little strangely and hit your head on the stairs on the way down?”
“T-That would suck.” Orange stuttered, not sure if that was meant to be a rhetorical question.
“It would, wouldn’t it?” Chiro chuckled, releasing him again. Shuddering slightly, Orange wrapped his blanket more tightly around him.
“It would suck if you remembered every time you died, right? Or even just every time you got hurt. Every possibility, all the time, forever.” Chiro began anew, walking around the room in a circle. Orange followed close behind – but not too closely.
“See, right now, somewhere, I’m dying. I’m choking, I’m drowning, I’m falling. I’m being torn apart, shot at, tortured, eviscerated, blown to pieces, reduced to ashes… at every second there’s an ever-expanding number of mes that are suffering in unimaginably painful ways!”
Orange winced. Was this supposed to be a pep talk? This was a weird pep talk.
“Don’t get me wrong – it doesn’t bother me much.” they assured him, dismissively waving a hand. “After all, I was born into this. It’s just who I am! If there’s one thing I can’t comprehend, it’s not being vividly aware of every experience I could ever have at once. I’d be awfully empty inside if I couldn’t feel my organs being ripped out at every single moment, y’know?”
No, he didn’t know. He didn’t really want to. But he wasn’t going to question Chiro’s logic.
They turned toward the sun and stopped, almost causing Orange to bump into them. They threw an arm around him and placed the other on their hip, standing as though they were taking pride in the world outside – a world that was unquestionably theirs.
“But you? And just about everyone else, for that matter? Well, I don’t think you’d find that sort of life much fun at all! It’s not really something that you can learn to love, or even just get used to. It has to be part of you from the start. It’s a dangerous thing to wish for.”
Chiro’s grip on him relaxed as they turned to look at him, “Of course, I know you didn’t need to be told that. I know where you’re coming from. It would be nice if you could just see a few futures, if you could just see which option would do the least harm – that’s what you’re thinking, right?”
Orange didn’t respond, which did nothing to stop them.
“You’re not wrong! You could live a more comfortable life like that, absolutely! But would it really be as satisfying? What if the choice that did the least harm to everyone else did the most harm to you? Wouldn’t you spend the rest of your life relying on the future to make everyone happy? I’m sure you can believe me when I tell you that you would. Knowledge can be a heavy burden.”
For a few seconds, neither of them spoke, fixated on the horizon.
“Again, I’m sure that’s something you already knew. That wasn’t the secret I was going to tell you.”
Chiro turned to face him and Orange returned the action. Light flooded the room as the sun crawled higher, illuminating the hand that gingerly tilted his head upward.
“Listen, Orange.”
His name barely registered.
“The truth is that there are just as many yous as there are mes. Your life is as infinite as mine. The only difference between us is that you can’t see from anyone’s eyes but your own. As far as you’re aware, you’re the only one who really exists.”
Certain that Orange’s gaze was firmly locked with their own, Chiro returned both hands to his shoulders.
“And if that’s what you’re limited to, you really ought to make yourself a priority. There are plenty of other yous out there that can go off and waste their lives worrying about how their actions will affect others. But I think this you, the one right here in front of me, would be much happier if he just did what he thought best for himself.”
“What if I ruin everything by doing that?” Orange asked quietly, not untrusting enough to look away.
“You can never ruin everything! No, not you. But mistakes are there for you to make. Just like me, you have to do everything you do for the sake of discovery. You have to be a little selfish or you’ll never get any joy out of the choices you make! Sure, my decisions and yours aren’t quite on the same scale, and they’ll never have the same sort of context, but I think you’ll have a lot more fun if you do your own thinking.”
Their hands sunk down to his arms. “I won’t lie, you’ll make some people upset. You’ll make them angry. You’ll make enemies and destroy lives, sure! But that’s going to happen no matter what you do, especially given your position. So, why bother stressing out over who you’re going to hurt? If you’re going to pick sides, why not just pick your own? It’s much easier to just focus on yourself.”
Normally the thought of destroying the lives of others no matter what wouldn’t be particularly comforting to him, but Orange found himself understanding exactly what Chiro meant. He didn’t know if he wanted to give up on worrying about others entirely, but the thought of doing what he believed was right without regard to how everyone would react was seductive, to say the least.
“Your perspective is your universe, Orange,” Chiro continued, “and you’re the god of it. If you’re going to be trapped here, you might as well expand your world as far as it’ll go.”
They leaned in closer, taking his hands.
“And no matter what sort of place it becomes,” they said softly, “I’ll always be in it.”
Orange felt his heart stop. How was he supposed to respond to that? What was he supposed to say now? Was his face as red as it felt? Suddenly embarrassed, he turned his head away only to come face to face with Elemon frozen at the top of the stairs.
“…Am I interrupting something?” they asked bluntly.
Chiro turned to them and smiled, all without releasing Orange.
“Not at all, Elliot!” Chiro informed them cheerfully. “We were just finishing up, actually! Right, Li’l Oregano?”
“Uhh…”
“I see.” Elemon replied. Orange was sure they were squinting under their hood. “We’re heading out soon. Venith and I will be waiting downstairs.”
“Righty-o, good chum! We’ll be there in just a second!” Chiro saluted, taking Orange’s hand with them. Elemon nodded silently and headed back down the staircase, presumably just as dumbfounded as Orange was. Once Elemon was gone Chiro returned their attention to Orange, letting go of his hands in a motion that was so fluid, so natural that Orange didn’t realize it had happened until Chiro was already a few steps away.
They paused at the beginning of the staircase, back turned to him.
“You know, Orange…”
Chiro turned their head just slightly enough to see Orange again, standing there like a deer in the headlights. The longer Chiro waited to indulge him, the wider his eyes grew.
“I think I’ve become rather fond of you.”
They left him there by the window, right where the stars melted into the dawn.
{Morning but this time with critique that is very worth reading imho}welcome to self-critique hell lets DO THIS SHIT
It was early, and as far as Orange knew no one else was awake. Not quite alive enough to determine if that was a good thing or a bad thing, he thought nothing more of it and pulled himself out of his room, blanket dragging along the ground with him. fun fact: this said "dragged himself" for the vast majority of the writing process. two versions of "drag" in one sentence unintentionally! how scandalous Even indoors this planet was entirely too cold. LeFleuris would’ve hated it here. He stood there in front of the coffeemaker, imagining his complaints beside him.
Something like “this place is too fucking cold, how does anyone even live here?,” he would’ve grumbled, swaddled in at least three blankets and visibly resisting the urge to pour the entire pot of coffee over his head. As though it had really happened, Orange smiled.
Yawning, Orange shuffled over to the alcove, collapsing ever so carefully onto the couch that lined it so as not to spill. this sentence is such a mess He laid there for a while, focusing on the heat of the mug in his hands. Maybe he was just hallucinating or not quite lucid yet, but the room was so cold that he could barely feel anything at all. i could've probably left out the hallucinating part bc the reader has no reason to assume that orange ever experiences hallucinations so it just kind of seems like hyperbole Eventually he sat up again, considerably more aware of his lips burning as he took a sip of his coffee. That was exactly why he rarely drank it before relatable feel, but after that happened he slipped into the habit to keep himself going and never quite got out of it.
the reader kind of loses out on a lot by not knowing what that is. i think this story would mean a lot more if the reader knew about all the syol spoils or at least the ones relevant to this particular story it would color things a lot
He almost let it hurt him again and, too tired to deal with those memories, distracted himself by looking out the window. If this planet was anything like his own, it had to be early. The sun just barely glistened on the waves, and if you lifted your eyes just a bit higher stars still dotted the sky. Forgetting what he was going to think about next, he sat there blankly with his lips at the rim of his mug, too numb by now to care. It had to be warmer out there. Those colors wouldn’t lie to him. He hoped they wouldn’t.
look at all of this fucking symbolism that doesn't really stand out because the reader has nothing to associate those with due to lack of context!!!!!!!!!! enjoy your purple prose assholes. i love you
“Morning!”
He had been caught just a second too soon; one more and he would have been cleaning coffee off of the windows and praying that nothing got stained. That not a single drop soiled anything as he recoiled into a corner of the couch was an unprecedented second miracle. i don't think it's really clear enough until chiro explicitly states it that orange just narrowly avoided doing a spittake
“Wow, very impressive, Li’l Oregano!” Chiro marveled, clapping their hands. “That doesn’t happen very often!”
i should note that if anyone read/remembers syolmaf i changed chiro's speech pattern a lot; before they only ever spoke in a "sophisticated as hell" fashion, as in they'd say something casual and then use a big fancy word or vice versa. it was fun to write at the time but now that chiro's more fleshed out it was just kind of gimmicky. it's still something they do sometimes But
also if it wasn't obvious syolmaf is canceled if only because the characters involved have changed so much that i can't really just go back to it. like back when i wrote it flann and lausac were just like totally tsundere for each other guys, loligo and venith hated each other, chiro was basically a different character entirely, etc etc
i might start it over someday bc it was fun but yeah i'm sorry for making you cry bobz
They sat down right across from him, their visor’s suspicious absence putting nothing between their line of sight and Orange’s quivering form. the reader also loses out by not knowing chiro; if this was just another chapter in syol then the reader would now that it's weird for them to not have their visor on
“See, usually you just spit coffee everywhere. It’s hilarious! Exactly like you’d see on TV! Comedy gold!” they continued on without skipping a beat.
“Well, no,” they rubbed their chin, “I suppose sometimes you react the same way you did just now, but coffee ends up everywhere anyway. Still kind of funny, but not classic enough for a laugh track. And it ends disappointingly. Cleaning and bitter passive-aggression aren’t much fun, Li’l Oregano.”
“But you went for it anyway.” Orange commented, more curious than angry. this sounds a little too blunt and not entirely orangey idk
“Of course!” Chiro laughed, arms spread. “I had to see if I could achieve my lofty goal of surprising you without consequence, and I managed to pull it off! I’m sure the others are jealous. Or will be.”
It was almost funny to Orange how accustomed he had become to this sort of thing. Sure, it was seldom that Chiro didn’t catch him off-guard, but by now it never threw him for long. Ironically, their unpredictability had become something he could rely on. It was something he hadn’t thought about until recently, but Chiro’s utter lack of concern and detachment from what Orange could comprehend as reality was something he found increasingly comforting. They were a constant. No matter what Orange said or did, no matter which path he chose, no matter who he kept close, Chiro would always be there. They would never get angry at him, they would never be upset with him; anything he could ever do would be just as they desired.
Though they almost certainly did, Orange found himself wondering if Chiro knew that.
don't get used to that paragraph because i pretty much wrote the rest of it as if i forgot i ever wrote it. like there aren't any callbacks to it or acknowledgments of its content even though the later conversation kind of reflects it. it just reflects it without knowledge, if that makes any sense. this all could've been tied together in a cool way
“Pretty quiet there, Li’l Oregano. What’s on your mind this time?” Chiro asked, propping their head up with their elbows on their knees. im so mad bc there's like no simple way to describe this very common action?? it's like if there wasn't a term for crossing your arms so you had to say "fuckface laid their arms across each other and kinda like tucked them in i guess??? listen this makes sense in my head"
Orange straightened himself out in his seat, searching for his reflection in his coffee. spoilers: he can't bc there's too much cream in there Wondering if he would find the words there with it, he let the silence drag on until Chiro took the initiative and sat down beside him.
“You should really just say it,” they whispered in his ear. “Nothing bad ever happens.”
this whole story would make more sense and have more impact if the reader didn't have to be told (or figure out on their own) that chiro experiences all iterations of themself across all entireties
He gave Chiro a fleeting glance before returning to his coffee, too tired to fidget. He took a sip to focus himself, then another.
“Do you have any regrets?” Orange asked.
“I mean… you. You specifically. The you in front of me.” he added on quickly.
orange should know by this point in syol that that's a silly question to ask but listen fuck you
Chiro cocked an eyebrow, silent for an uncharacteristically long time. Was that something they usually did, for effect or emphasis or otherwise? you asshole you've known them for years you should know that shit Or had Orange really managed to surprise them? He doubted that was even possible, but it was nice to entertain the thought.
“See, Orange,” they finally began, leaning back. Orange tensed up. Very rarely did Chiro refer to anyone by their actual name, and when they did it tended to be a sign that something either terrifying or unsettling was about to occur. Of course, Orange wasn’t an enemy of Hadris’ and therefore there was no reason for Chiro to destroy his pitiful psyche, but given Chiro’s peculiar nature it was never completely out of the question. once again this is something that shouldn't have to require explanation
“That’s a tricky question. Can’t blame you for looking at me and just thinking of it as me, but it’s really not like that, y’know? Think of me as an avatar. Just a flesh husk with an infinitely-expanding mind. ‘Individual mes’ don’t really put too much stock into their individual experiences because, well, they’re not individuals, really!” they explained with the same lightness they spoke with in every other conversation.
see previous bolderoonie
“I mean, I’d be lying if I said I didn’t feel a little sad every once in a while after doing something,” they continued a little more thoughtfully, “But in the end, everything benefits me. Not much to regret there.”
“It must be nice.” Orange blurted out. Though he never meant it consciously, he tended to be more up-front around Chiro. Maybe somewhere in the back of his mind, he figured that some version of himself in some Entirety always said something – and if that was the case, Chiro would know what he was thinking either way. Staying quiet was pointless.
“Not really having to worry about the decisions you make, always knowing what’ll happen if you do or don’t do something…” he went on dreamily, glancing past Chiro and out the window again. SYMBOLISM
“It is! It’s wonderful!” Chiro confirmed enthusiastically.
“But,” they leaned in, throwing an arm around him, “I’ll let you in on a little secret.”
Before Orange could take in the words they had just spoken to him, Chiro stood up and offered him a hand. He stared at them blankly for a few moments before leaving his mug on the coffee table coffee ends here, you can stop reading now and accepting it. Wordlessly, Chiro led him into the hallway, past their rooms and up the stairs. They climbed in spirals to the top, where Chiro stopped him before the unending window that surrounded them. this is an egregiously purple way of saying they're at the top of a fancy lighthouse. because that's where this story takes place. in a lighthouse.
“It’s nice, isn’t it?” they spoke up, hands on Orange’s shoulders.
“no it fucking sucks, now what the hell do you want” Orange answered as he stared out at the ocean that grew ever warmer, struggling to figure out where Chiro was going with this before they got there. SYMBOLISM GUYS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
“You know, we don’t always come here. Not always me and not always you. Sometimes none of us come. Sometimes Drew never even finds this place. So you and I never have this conversation.”
They leaned in and whispered to him again, “But you don’t remember any of that, do you? You can’t regret not being here in a world you can’t experience.”
“chiro what the fuck are you talking about” Orange furrowed his brow, “does it honestly look like i give a shit”
Suddenly, Chiro whirled him around and pushed him against the railing, hands a little closer to his throat now. i wanted to change this a little because "pushed him against the railing" basically gets repeated in the next line, so i changed "pushed" to "thrust", stared at the screen for a little while, and hit ctrl+z
“What if I pushed you over this railing just now? What if you fell all the way to the bottom, unhindered? Or what if you fell a little strangely and hit your head on the stairs on the way down?”
“well i guess i'd be fucking dead, asshole” Orange stuttered, not sure if that was meant to be a rhetorical question.
“yeah haha true lol” Chiro chuckled, releasing him again. Shuddering slightly, Orange wrapped his blanket more tightly around him. this sentence feels weird for some reason
“It would suck if you remembered every time you died, right? Or even just every time you got hurt. Every possibility, all the time, forever.” Chiro began anew, walking around the room in a circle. see because the room IS a circle Orange followed close behind – but not too closely.
“See, right now, somewhere, I’m dying. I’m choking, I’m drowning, I’m falling. I’m being torn apart, shot at, tortured, eviscerated, blown to pieces, reduced to ashes… at every second there’s an ever-expanding number of mes that are suffering in unimaginably painful ways!”
Orange winced. Was this supposed to be a pep talk? This was a weird pep talk.
“Don’t get me wrong – it doesn’t bother me much.” they assured him, dismissively waving a hand. “After all, I was born into this. It’s just who I am! If there’s one thing I can’t comprehend, it’s not being vividly aware of every experience I could ever have at once. I’d be awfully empty inside if I couldn’t feel my organs being ripped out at every single moment, y’know?” this is basically a summary of chiro right here
No, he didn’t know. He didn’t really want to. But he wasn’t going to question Chiro’s logic.
They turned toward the sun and stopped, almost causing Orange to bump into them. They threw an arm around him and placed the other on their hip, standing as though they were taking pride in the world outside – a world that was unquestionably theirs. this seems kind of thrown-together and sloppy idk
“But you? And just about everyone else, for that matter? Well, I don’t think you’d find that sort of life much fun at all! It’s not really something that you can learn to love, or even just get used to. It has to be part of you from the start. It’s a dangerous thing to wish for.” originally i was going to end the story with a callback to this and a reference to something else that's sort of a reveal but it ended up not happening
Chiro’s grip on him relaxed as they turned to look at him, “Of course, I know you didn’t need to be told that. I know where you’re coming from. It would be nice if you could just see a few futures, if you could just see which option would do the least harm – that’s what you’re thinking, right?”
Orange didn’t respond, which did nothing to stop them.
“You’re not wrong! You could live a more comfortable life like that, absolutely! But would it really be as satisfying? What if the choice that did the least harm to everyone else did the most harm to you? Wouldn’t you spend the rest of your life relying on the future to make everyone happy? I’m sure you can believe me when I tell you that you would. Knowledge can be a heavy burden.” not really convinced that these are things chiro would say so genuinely
For a few seconds, neither of them spoke, fixated on the horizon.
“Again, I’m sure that’s something you already knew. That wasn’t the secret I was going to tell you.” you're really beating around the bush here fucko
Chiro turned to face him and Orange returned the action. this seems clunky Light flooded the room as the sun crawled higher, illuminating the hand that gingerly tilted his head upward. this seems gay
“Listen, Orange.”
His name barely registered.
“The truth is that there are just as many yous as there are mes. Your life is as infinite as mine. The only difference between us is that you can’t see from anyone’s eyes but your own. As far as you’re aware, you’re the only one who really exists.”
Certain that Orange’s gaze was firmly locked with their own, Chiro returned both hands to his shoulders.
“And if that’s what you’re limited to, you really ought to make yourself a priority. There are plenty of other yous out there that can go off and waste their lives worrying about how their actions will affect others. But I think this you, the one right here in front of me, would be much happier if he just did what he thought best for himself.”
“What if I ruin everything by doing that?” Orange asked quietly, not untrusting enough to look away.
“You can never ruin everything! No, not you. they're thinking of 2cro right now true story But mistakes are there for you to make. Just like me, you have to do everything you do for the sake of discovery. You have to be a little selfish or you’ll never get any joy out of the choices you make! Sure, my decisions and yours aren’t quite on the same scale, and they’ll never have the same sort of context, but I think you’ll have a lot more fun if you do your own thinking.” this shit is valid but i'm not convinced this is how their conversation would normally progress for some reason
Their hands sunk down to his arms. “I won’t lie, you’ll make some people upset. You’ll make them angry. You’ll make enemies and destroy lives, sure! But that’s going to happen no matter what you do, especially given your position. So, why bother stressing out over who you’re going to hurt? If you’re going to pick sides, why not just pick your own? It’s much easier to just focus on yourself.”
Normally the thought of destroying the lives of others no matter what wouldn’t be particularly comforting to him, but Orange found himself understanding exactly what Chiro meant. He didn’t know if he wanted to give up on worrying about others entirely, but the thought of doing what he believed was right without regard to how everyone would react was seductive, to say the least.
this loses so much without the rest of syol behind it which is basically chapter after chapter of orange being completely destroyed by Morality Feels and getting involved in everyone else's problems
(hanekoma voice) “Your perspective is your universe, Orange,” Chiro continued, “and you’re the god of it. If you’re going to be trapped here, you might as well expand your world as far as it’ll go.”
They leaned in closer, taking his hands. sorry this got so nsfw guys
“And no matter what sort of place it becomes,” they said softly, “I’ll always be in it.”
Orange felt his heart stop. How was he supposed to respond to that? What was he supposed to say now? Was his face as red as it felt? Suddenly embarrassed, he turned his head away only to come face to face with Elemon frozen at the top of the stairs.
“…Am I interrupting something?” they asked bluntly. [laugh track]
Chiro turned to them and smiled, all without releasing Orange.
“Not at all, Elliot!” Chiro informed them cheerfully. “We were just finishing up, actually! Right, Li’l Oregano?”
“Uhh…”
“I see.” Elemon replied. Orange was sure they were squinting under their hood. “We’re heading out soon. Venith and I will be waiting downstairs.” fun fact: i didn't have enough energy to write as chiro initially so i was just going to have orange and venith talk for a while but i couldn't think of a conversation that went to what i wanted to write so i got over myself and wrote as chiro anyway :No Fighting:
“Righty-o, good chum! We’ll be there in just a second!” Chiro saluted, taking Orange’s hand with them. OH MY GOD THEY RIPPED OFF ORANGE'S FUCKING HAND!!!!!! Elemon nodded silently and headed back down the staircase, presumably just as dumbfounded as Orange was. Once Elemon was gone Chiro returned their attention to Orange, letting go of his hands in a motion that was so fluid, so natural that Orange didn’t realize it had happened until Chiro was already a few steps away.
They paused at the beginning of the staircase, back turned to him.
“You know, Orange…”
Chiro turned their head just slightly enough to see Orange again, standing there like a deer in the headlights. The longer Chiro waited to indulge him, the wider his eyes grew.
“I think I’ve become rather fond of you.”
They left him there by the window, right where the stars melted into the dawn. some more symbolism for the road
fun fact there was a different ending where chiro just throws their arm around orange and says "you know usually you just scream when that happens" but i changed it in editing because it didn't seem like a conclusion that had any relevance whatsoever, tonally or otherwise
It was early, and as far as Orange knew no one else was awake. Not quite alive enough to determine if that was a good thing or a bad thing, he thought nothing more of it and pulled himself out of his room, blanket dragging along the ground with him. fun fact: this said "dragged himself" for the vast majority of the writing process. two versions of "drag" in one sentence unintentionally! how scandalous Even indoors this planet was entirely too cold. LeFleuris would’ve hated it here. He stood there in front of the coffeemaker, imagining his complaints beside him.
Something like “this place is too fucking cold, how does anyone even live here?,” he would’ve grumbled, swaddled in at least three blankets and visibly resisting the urge to pour the entire pot of coffee over his head. As though it had really happened, Orange smiled.
Yawning, Orange shuffled over to the alcove, collapsing ever so carefully onto the couch that lined it so as not to spill. this sentence is such a mess He laid there for a while, focusing on the heat of the mug in his hands. Maybe he was just hallucinating or not quite lucid yet, but the room was so cold that he could barely feel anything at all. i could've probably left out the hallucinating part bc the reader has no reason to assume that orange ever experiences hallucinations so it just kind of seems like hyperbole Eventually he sat up again, considerably more aware of his lips burning as he took a sip of his coffee. That was exactly why he rarely drank it before relatable feel, but after that happened he slipped into the habit to keep himself going and never quite got out of it.
the reader kind of loses out on a lot by not knowing what that is. i think this story would mean a lot more if the reader knew about all the syol spoils or at least the ones relevant to this particular story it would color things a lot
He almost let it hurt him again and, too tired to deal with those memories, distracted himself by looking out the window. If this planet was anything like his own, it had to be early. The sun just barely glistened on the waves, and if you lifted your eyes just a bit higher stars still dotted the sky. Forgetting what he was going to think about next, he sat there blankly with his lips at the rim of his mug, too numb by now to care. It had to be warmer out there. Those colors wouldn’t lie to him. He hoped they wouldn’t.
look at all of this fucking symbolism that doesn't really stand out because the reader has nothing to associate those with due to lack of context!!!!!!!!!! enjoy your purple prose assholes. i love you
“Morning!”
He had been caught just a second too soon; one more and he would have been cleaning coffee off of the windows and praying that nothing got stained. That not a single drop soiled anything as he recoiled into a corner of the couch was an unprecedented second miracle. i don't think it's really clear enough until chiro explicitly states it that orange just narrowly avoided doing a spittake
“Wow, very impressive, Li’l Oregano!” Chiro marveled, clapping their hands. “That doesn’t happen very often!”
i should note that if anyone read/remembers syolmaf i changed chiro's speech pattern a lot; before they only ever spoke in a "sophisticated as hell" fashion, as in they'd say something casual and then use a big fancy word or vice versa. it was fun to write at the time but now that chiro's more fleshed out it was just kind of gimmicky. it's still something they do sometimes But
also if it wasn't obvious syolmaf is canceled if only because the characters involved have changed so much that i can't really just go back to it. like back when i wrote it flann and lausac were just like totally tsundere for each other guys, loligo and venith hated each other, chiro was basically a different character entirely, etc etc
i might start it over someday bc it was fun but yeah i'm sorry for making you cry bobz
They sat down right across from him, their visor’s suspicious absence putting nothing between their line of sight and Orange’s quivering form. the reader also loses out by not knowing chiro; if this was just another chapter in syol then the reader would now that it's weird for them to not have their visor on
“See, usually you just spit coffee everywhere. It’s hilarious! Exactly like you’d see on TV! Comedy gold!” they continued on without skipping a beat.
“Well, no,” they rubbed their chin, “I suppose sometimes you react the same way you did just now, but coffee ends up everywhere anyway. Still kind of funny, but not classic enough for a laugh track. And it ends disappointingly. Cleaning and bitter passive-aggression aren’t much fun, Li’l Oregano.”
“But you went for it anyway.” Orange commented, more curious than angry. this sounds a little too blunt and not entirely orangey idk
“Of course!” Chiro laughed, arms spread. “I had to see if I could achieve my lofty goal of surprising you without consequence, and I managed to pull it off! I’m sure the others are jealous. Or will be.”
It was almost funny to Orange how accustomed he had become to this sort of thing. Sure, it was seldom that Chiro didn’t catch him off-guard, but by now it never threw him for long. Ironically, their unpredictability had become something he could rely on. It was something he hadn’t thought about until recently, but Chiro’s utter lack of concern and detachment from what Orange could comprehend as reality was something he found increasingly comforting. They were a constant. No matter what Orange said or did, no matter which path he chose, no matter who he kept close, Chiro would always be there. They would never get angry at him, they would never be upset with him; anything he could ever do would be just as they desired.
Though they almost certainly did, Orange found himself wondering if Chiro knew that.
don't get used to that paragraph because i pretty much wrote the rest of it as if i forgot i ever wrote it. like there aren't any callbacks to it or acknowledgments of its content even though the later conversation kind of reflects it. it just reflects it without knowledge, if that makes any sense. this all could've been tied together in a cool way
“Pretty quiet there, Li’l Oregano. What’s on your mind this time?” Chiro asked, propping their head up with their elbows on their knees. im so mad bc there's like no simple way to describe this very common action?? it's like if there wasn't a term for crossing your arms so you had to say "fuckface laid their arms across each other and kinda like tucked them in i guess??? listen this makes sense in my head"
Orange straightened himself out in his seat, searching for his reflection in his coffee. spoilers: he can't bc there's too much cream in there Wondering if he would find the words there with it, he let the silence drag on until Chiro took the initiative and sat down beside him.
“You should really just say it,” they whispered in his ear. “Nothing bad ever happens.”
this whole story would make more sense and have more impact if the reader didn't have to be told (or figure out on their own) that chiro experiences all iterations of themself across all entireties
He gave Chiro a fleeting glance before returning to his coffee, too tired to fidget. He took a sip to focus himself, then another.
“Do you have any regrets?” Orange asked.
“I mean… you. You specifically. The you in front of me.” he added on quickly.
orange should know by this point in syol that that's a silly question to ask but listen fuck you
Chiro cocked an eyebrow, silent for an uncharacteristically long time. Was that something they usually did, for effect or emphasis or otherwise? you asshole you've known them for years you should know that shit Or had Orange really managed to surprise them? He doubted that was even possible, but it was nice to entertain the thought.
“See, Orange,” they finally began, leaning back. Orange tensed up. Very rarely did Chiro refer to anyone by their actual name, and when they did it tended to be a sign that something either terrifying or unsettling was about to occur. Of course, Orange wasn’t an enemy of Hadris’ and therefore there was no reason for Chiro to destroy his pitiful psyche, but given Chiro’s peculiar nature it was never completely out of the question. once again this is something that shouldn't have to require explanation
“That’s a tricky question. Can’t blame you for looking at me and just thinking of it as me, but it’s really not like that, y’know? Think of me as an avatar. Just a flesh husk with an infinitely-expanding mind. ‘Individual mes’ don’t really put too much stock into their individual experiences because, well, they’re not individuals, really!” they explained with the same lightness they spoke with in every other conversation.
see previous bolderoonie
“I mean, I’d be lying if I said I didn’t feel a little sad every once in a while after doing something,” they continued a little more thoughtfully, “But in the end, everything benefits me. Not much to regret there.”
“It must be nice.” Orange blurted out. Though he never meant it consciously, he tended to be more up-front around Chiro. Maybe somewhere in the back of his mind, he figured that some version of himself in some Entirety always said something – and if that was the case, Chiro would know what he was thinking either way. Staying quiet was pointless.
“Not really having to worry about the decisions you make, always knowing what’ll happen if you do or don’t do something…” he went on dreamily, glancing past Chiro and out the window again. SYMBOLISM
“It is! It’s wonderful!” Chiro confirmed enthusiastically.
“But,” they leaned in, throwing an arm around him, “I’ll let you in on a little secret.”
Before Orange could take in the words they had just spoken to him, Chiro stood up and offered him a hand. He stared at them blankly for a few moments before leaving his mug on the coffee table coffee ends here, you can stop reading now and accepting it. Wordlessly, Chiro led him into the hallway, past their rooms and up the stairs. They climbed in spirals to the top, where Chiro stopped him before the unending window that surrounded them. this is an egregiously purple way of saying they're at the top of a fancy lighthouse. because that's where this story takes place. in a lighthouse.
“It’s nice, isn’t it?” they spoke up, hands on Orange’s shoulders.
“no it fucking sucks, now what the hell do you want” Orange answered as he stared out at the ocean that grew ever warmer, struggling to figure out where Chiro was going with this before they got there. SYMBOLISM GUYS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
“You know, we don’t always come here. Not always me and not always you. Sometimes none of us come. Sometimes Drew never even finds this place. So you and I never have this conversation.”
They leaned in and whispered to him again, “But you don’t remember any of that, do you? You can’t regret not being here in a world you can’t experience.”
“chiro what the fuck are you talking about” Orange furrowed his brow, “does it honestly look like i give a shit”
Suddenly, Chiro whirled him around and pushed him against the railing, hands a little closer to his throat now. i wanted to change this a little because "pushed him against the railing" basically gets repeated in the next line, so i changed "pushed" to "thrust", stared at the screen for a little while, and hit ctrl+z
“What if I pushed you over this railing just now? What if you fell all the way to the bottom, unhindered? Or what if you fell a little strangely and hit your head on the stairs on the way down?”
“well i guess i'd be fucking dead, asshole” Orange stuttered, not sure if that was meant to be a rhetorical question.
“yeah haha true lol” Chiro chuckled, releasing him again. Shuddering slightly, Orange wrapped his blanket more tightly around him. this sentence feels weird for some reason
“It would suck if you remembered every time you died, right? Or even just every time you got hurt. Every possibility, all the time, forever.” Chiro began anew, walking around the room in a circle. see because the room IS a circle Orange followed close behind – but not too closely.
“See, right now, somewhere, I’m dying. I’m choking, I’m drowning, I’m falling. I’m being torn apart, shot at, tortured, eviscerated, blown to pieces, reduced to ashes… at every second there’s an ever-expanding number of mes that are suffering in unimaginably painful ways!”
Orange winced. Was this supposed to be a pep talk? This was a weird pep talk.
“Don’t get me wrong – it doesn’t bother me much.” they assured him, dismissively waving a hand. “After all, I was born into this. It’s just who I am! If there’s one thing I can’t comprehend, it’s not being vividly aware of every experience I could ever have at once. I’d be awfully empty inside if I couldn’t feel my organs being ripped out at every single moment, y’know?” this is basically a summary of chiro right here
No, he didn’t know. He didn’t really want to. But he wasn’t going to question Chiro’s logic.
They turned toward the sun and stopped, almost causing Orange to bump into them. They threw an arm around him and placed the other on their hip, standing as though they were taking pride in the world outside – a world that was unquestionably theirs. this seems kind of thrown-together and sloppy idk
“But you? And just about everyone else, for that matter? Well, I don’t think you’d find that sort of life much fun at all! It’s not really something that you can learn to love, or even just get used to. It has to be part of you from the start. It’s a dangerous thing to wish for.” originally i was going to end the story with a callback to this and a reference to something else that's sort of a reveal but it ended up not happening
Chiro’s grip on him relaxed as they turned to look at him, “Of course, I know you didn’t need to be told that. I know where you’re coming from. It would be nice if you could just see a few futures, if you could just see which option would do the least harm – that’s what you’re thinking, right?”
Orange didn’t respond, which did nothing to stop them.
“You’re not wrong! You could live a more comfortable life like that, absolutely! But would it really be as satisfying? What if the choice that did the least harm to everyone else did the most harm to you? Wouldn’t you spend the rest of your life relying on the future to make everyone happy? I’m sure you can believe me when I tell you that you would. Knowledge can be a heavy burden.” not really convinced that these are things chiro would say so genuinely
For a few seconds, neither of them spoke, fixated on the horizon.
“Again, I’m sure that’s something you already knew. That wasn’t the secret I was going to tell you.” you're really beating around the bush here fucko
Chiro turned to face him and Orange returned the action. this seems clunky Light flooded the room as the sun crawled higher, illuminating the hand that gingerly tilted his head upward. this seems gay
“Listen, Orange.”
His name barely registered.
“The truth is that there are just as many yous as there are mes. Your life is as infinite as mine. The only difference between us is that you can’t see from anyone’s eyes but your own. As far as you’re aware, you’re the only one who really exists.”
Certain that Orange’s gaze was firmly locked with their own, Chiro returned both hands to his shoulders.
“And if that’s what you’re limited to, you really ought to make yourself a priority. There are plenty of other yous out there that can go off and waste their lives worrying about how their actions will affect others. But I think this you, the one right here in front of me, would be much happier if he just did what he thought best for himself.”
“What if I ruin everything by doing that?” Orange asked quietly, not untrusting enough to look away.
“You can never ruin everything! No, not you. they're thinking of 2cro right now true story But mistakes are there for you to make. Just like me, you have to do everything you do for the sake of discovery. You have to be a little selfish or you’ll never get any joy out of the choices you make! Sure, my decisions and yours aren’t quite on the same scale, and they’ll never have the same sort of context, but I think you’ll have a lot more fun if you do your own thinking.” this shit is valid but i'm not convinced this is how their conversation would normally progress for some reason
Their hands sunk down to his arms. “I won’t lie, you’ll make some people upset. You’ll make them angry. You’ll make enemies and destroy lives, sure! But that’s going to happen no matter what you do, especially given your position. So, why bother stressing out over who you’re going to hurt? If you’re going to pick sides, why not just pick your own? It’s much easier to just focus on yourself.”
Normally the thought of destroying the lives of others no matter what wouldn’t be particularly comforting to him, but Orange found himself understanding exactly what Chiro meant. He didn’t know if he wanted to give up on worrying about others entirely, but the thought of doing what he believed was right without regard to how everyone would react was seductive, to say the least.
this loses so much without the rest of syol behind it which is basically chapter after chapter of orange being completely destroyed by Morality Feels and getting involved in everyone else's problems
(hanekoma voice) “Your perspective is your universe, Orange,” Chiro continued, “and you’re the god of it. If you’re going to be trapped here, you might as well expand your world as far as it’ll go.”
They leaned in closer, taking his hands. sorry this got so nsfw guys
“And no matter what sort of place it becomes,” they said softly, “I’ll always be in it.”
Orange felt his heart stop. How was he supposed to respond to that? What was he supposed to say now? Was his face as red as it felt? Suddenly embarrassed, he turned his head away only to come face to face with Elemon frozen at the top of the stairs.
“…Am I interrupting something?” they asked bluntly. [laugh track]
Chiro turned to them and smiled, all without releasing Orange.
“Not at all, Elliot!” Chiro informed them cheerfully. “We were just finishing up, actually! Right, Li’l Oregano?”
“Uhh…”
“I see.” Elemon replied. Orange was sure they were squinting under their hood. “We’re heading out soon. Venith and I will be waiting downstairs.” fun fact: i didn't have enough energy to write as chiro initially so i was just going to have orange and venith talk for a while but i couldn't think of a conversation that went to what i wanted to write so i got over myself and wrote as chiro anyway :No Fighting:
“Righty-o, good chum! We’ll be there in just a second!” Chiro saluted, taking Orange’s hand with them. OH MY GOD THEY RIPPED OFF ORANGE'S FUCKING HAND!!!!!! Elemon nodded silently and headed back down the staircase, presumably just as dumbfounded as Orange was. Once Elemon was gone Chiro returned their attention to Orange, letting go of his hands in a motion that was so fluid, so natural that Orange didn’t realize it had happened until Chiro was already a few steps away.
They paused at the beginning of the staircase, back turned to him.
“You know, Orange…”
Chiro turned their head just slightly enough to see Orange again, standing there like a deer in the headlights. The longer Chiro waited to indulge him, the wider his eyes grew.
“I think I’ve become rather fond of you.”
They left him there by the window, right where the stars melted into the dawn. some more symbolism for the road
fun fact there was a different ending where chiro just throws their arm around orange and says "you know usually you just scream when that happens" but i changed it in editing because it didn't seem like a conclusion that had any relevance whatsoever, tonally or otherwise
{you again} Sometimes she could still feel her voice blooming in her chest.
“I love you.”
Like it was yesterday she could still feel her lips at her ear, whispering with the weight of the universe behind it. One hand lingered at her waist as the other flowed down her thigh, searching for an excuse to speak again. Everything about her was incomprehensibly genuine, impossibly pure. That smile, that look in her eye, the face that wouldn’t fade from her memory–
As always she awoke tangled in her regrets, curled up into the most insignificant form she could muster.
“I hate you.” she spoke through a shuddering exhale, digging her fingers into her skull. The sound of the rain on the window was unbearable. The sound of the fan whirring above her was unbearable. The empty space beside her was unbearable.
“I hate you. I hate you. I hate you.”
“I love you.”
Like it was yesterday she could still feel her lips at her ear, whispering with the weight of the universe behind it. One hand lingered at her waist as the other flowed down her thigh, searching for an excuse to speak again. Everything about her was incomprehensibly genuine, impossibly pure. That smile, that look in her eye, the face that wouldn’t fade from her memory–
As always she awoke tangled in her regrets, curled up into the most insignificant form she could muster.
“I hate you.” she spoke through a shuddering exhale, digging her fingers into her skull. The sound of the rain on the window was unbearable. The sound of the fan whirring above her was unbearable. The empty space beside her was unbearable.
“I hate you. I hate you. I hate you.”
and i'm just going to link Toxicology Report bc it's really long and has too much stuff to bbcode at and i'm lazy plus it has links to supplementary material so yeah
if you want to see more of my writing that you might've missed or something, check out my dA and my writing tag!