Post by Tayl on Jan 29, 2017 23:38:03 GMT -6
It was a slow night at Hell College's branch of Chiro's Pizza, just like every Saturday night. For most pizza places the weekend was the busiest time of week, full of families and friends getting together to kick off a night of fun, but on Saturday night that privilege was reserved for one friend group only. Even in a place like Hell College they were feared, spoken of in whispers and only in the safety of idle gossip:
The carpool.
Places had a way of clearing out when Ignis – Professor Phasmatis to students with an investment in their own existence – started frequenting them. He wasn't the sort to show mercy to anyone who bothered him or to care about collateral damage, especially in an environment as relaxed and morally questionable as Hell College. By this time in the semester even freshmen who had never taken a class with him knew the best way to avoid incurring his wrath: stay out of his way. Don't even get near his way. Just... get as far away as physically possible.
Yet, somehow, there were four students who threw caution to the wind and hung out with him. Like, all the time. And they carpooled together! Carpooled! Anyone willing to be in a car with Ignis for an extended period of time had to be as terrifying as he was, so the wise knew their names and faces just as well:
• Dicro Corrune: Tall, black hair, green coat. A nervous man with a smile warm enough to cause catastrophic climate change. Known for dying a lot.
• Ansaiele Alleviesse: The personification of a strawberry-flavored marshmallow. Known for being pink, sleepy, soft, and an amazing hugger. Some sort of sheep demon, but way too nice to be friends with Ignis.
• Celethia Ophidene: A one-eyed woman with a long snake tail. Known for having glares cold and sharp enough to perform invasive surgery on your soul. The only one who seemed like someone Ignis would hang out with.
• Thyx: Annoying guy with anime hair. Known for being obnoxiously friendly with everyone, assuming he was the coolest person ever, and hitting on people with clumsy, half-remembered pick-up lines.
Together, the four of them practically ran Hell College's rumor mill. None of them seemed particularly threatening, and yet they were all in the good graces of Hell College's most feared professor. Were they blackmailing him? Were they more Ignis-like than they appeared? Were they non-flammable? No one could say for sure.
Well, Chiro Shiroiro could. Despite their comparatively lowly pizza-owning gig, Chiro happened to be an individual with the gift of nigh-omniscience. And the humble truth was that Dicro was useful, and if Ignis wanted Dicro to stay that way then he'd have to tolerate Dicro's quirky band of friends. Simple as that!
Chiro stood behind the counter as usual as though they earnestly believed they'd be getting any customers tonight. It was possible. Always possible! But they were far more interested in observing the carpool's booth from afar than making money off of pizza. There was still so much more to learn! Really, their thought process wasn't too different than that of the curious students who dared to glance inside of the restaurant as they passed by:
What nefarious schemes are they planning tonight?
“It's called The Voting Game!” Ansaiele cheerfully announced, passing out the ID Cards. They all had numbers on them – intended to be given out in a manner that encouraged the game to flow counter-clockwise – but Ansaiele thought that was boring! Instead, she gave everyone the card of the color that best matched them: pink for her, blue for Celethia, green for Dicro, purple for Ignis, and yellow for Thyx! That would be way more recognizable than having to look at numbers. They each looked down at their ID cards and then back at Ansaiele, enthusiasm levels varying drastically.
“Here's how it works! Everyone gets an ID card and voting cards!” Ansaiele began explaining, handing out sets of cards to everyone that matched the colors of everyone's ID cards save their own. She made herself comfortable between Thyx and Celethia and quickly shuffled the deck of question cards, picking one off the top.
“Okay, so say it's my turn! I pick up one of these question cards. I read off what it says... 'Who could charm the pants off something that doesn't have pants?' And then everyone puts down the card that matches the player they think could charm the pants off of the pantsless!” she continued, placing the question card down on the table and pulling out her purple voting card.
“So, let's say I vote Ignis, 'cause he's a pretty charming dude who's down for a challenge...”
“You're damn right,” Ignis commented.
“Not a bad choice, but I would've picked me,” Thyx shrugged.
“...Then I put his card down once everyone else is ready! And whoever gets voted for the most wins the round and gets the question card, and whoever gets six question cards first wins the game!” Ansaiele concluded.
“What if there's a tie? Like, two people vote for one person, two people vote for another person, and the last person doesn't break the tie?” Dicro asked.
“Good question! Okay, so let's say Thyx and Celethia pick Ignis, I vote for you 'cause you're a cutie pie,”
“You're a cutie pie...” Dicro murmured embarassedly.
“Ignis picks me 'cause he can't pick himself, and you pick me 'cause you know. You know.”
While Dicro sheepishly twiddled his thumbs, Ansaiele continued her explanation: “Then whoever read the card that round gets to pick the winner between the tied answers! So since I read the card, I'd have to pick between myself or Ignis! And you can totally pick yourself, but that might make people boo at you, so I wouldn't recommend it! Make sense?”
Everyone looked amongst themselves and nodded, their brief mutterings confirming their understanding.
“Alright, then I'll start, but for real this time!” Ansaiele exclaimed, excitedly pulling another card from the pile.
“And the question iiiiiiiis...”
She dramatically slammed the card face-up on the table.
“'Who would be the best double agent?'!”
Everyone shifted their attention to their cards, and though Ansaiele was asking if everyone was ready within seconds no one seemed ready.
“I wasn't expecting this game to be so psychological,” Dicro remarked, furrowing his brow as he looked through his cards.
“Really? I had an idea right away!” Ansaiele said, glancing back down at her card as though she now doubted her pending vote.
“Me too!” Thyx agreed, less affected by the amount of thought the others seemed to be putting in.
“There's a lot to consider,” Celethia explained in her typical emotionless tone, not taking her eye off of her cards. “Who can keep secrets, who can be trusted, who's willing to lie for a living, who would be good at spying in the first place... it depends.”
Ansaiele made a “hmm” noise to herself, and a silence settled in for a few moments before she asked if everyone was ready again. Celethia, Dicro, and Ignis all seemed resigned to their answers, increasingly conscious that this experience was going to be a drag if they analyzed these party game questions too deeply.
“Okay... vote!”
Everyone placed their voting cards face-up on the table, revealing a wide array of votes: Ansaiele, Ignis, and Dicro voted for Celethia, Thyx voted for Ignis, and Celethia voted for Dicro.
“Really? He's the only one who picked me on this?” Ignis criticized, gesturing to Thyx and his typical overly cheerful expression.
“Yeah, he's already got the look for it!” Thyx nodded, proud of what he took as approval.
“Between you and Celethia it was pretty tough,” Ansaiele admitted, “but I really think Celethia would be a natural at being a double agent! I think you're better suited to more visible stuff, Ignis. Not that you wouldn't be good at it, though!”
“And, to be honest, I don't think most people would really trust you to spy for them in the first place. I mean, you're pretty clearly the kind of person who'll betray anyone once you get a better offer from someone else. And you'll probably make a scene when you do it, so... you know, no offense,” Dicro added on.
“You're just the kind of person people would expect to be a double agent. Which wouldn't make you a good double agent,” Celethia finished off, sliding the question card over to her side of the table.
“...Fair enough,” Ignis conceded, leaning back.
Ansaiele turned to her left. “Okay, Celethia, now it's your turn to read! We're going counter-clockwise!”
“Who gives the most awkward hugs?” Celethia asked, reading off the next card. This time it didn't take very long for everyone to put down their cards: Ansaiele, Celethia, and Thyx all voted for Ignis, while Dicro and Ignis voted for Celethia.
“Everytime I go in to give my main man Iggy a brohug he just sets me on fire! I think he's just not used to having such good pals. But it's cool, we'll get past that with the power of friendship!” Thyx exclaimed, thrusting his fist out toward Ignis for a fist bump that went brutally unanswered.
“I'd be kind of afraid to hug you, Ignis... I mean, it's not personal or anything, and I like hugging people! But you do set Thyx on fire for that a lot...” Ansaiele agreed, voice dropping off.
“I can't imagine you hugging anyone,” Celethia said bluntly, her expression narrowed just enough to indicate that she had tried her best and failed nonetheless.
“I dunno, I've worked at Maple Manor long enough to know that he's perfectly capable of normally hugging someone if he has a... personal investment in them,” Dicro countered.
“True. I still win, though,” Ignis said, quickly snapping up the question card.
Celethia nudged the stack of question cards in Dicro's direction. “Your turn.”
“Alright! The next question is... who has more...” his face fell almost as flat as his tone, “ropes than pillows in their bedroom.”
All of the question cards – save Dicro's – were down in about half a second, eliciting an offended gasping noise from Dicro. The votes were unanimously for him, minus the lone exception of Ignis' vote for Ansaiele.
“Wow, Ignis! You picked me?” Ansaiele asked, sounding somewhat honored.
“Why would they be in his room? That doesn't make any sense.” Ignis reasoned, slinging one arm over the edge of the booth.
“That's what I thought, too,” Celethia interjected, “but then I considered how many pillows Ansaiele has. I don't think the math works out.”
“Fair point.”
“Well, I dunno what any of this has to do with pillows, but I've always seen Dicro as being the kind of guy who could spend a lot of time tying knots!” Thyx chimed in, completely oblivious to the tone of the conversation. “Yep, he's definitely the kind of guy who's good with his hands!”
“That's true,” Ansaiele smirked.
“NEXT QUESTION,” Dicro blurted out, aggressively sliding his question card off of the table. In what was surely the greatest act of mercy Ignis Phasmatis had ever shown any entity, living or dead, he wasted no time in picking the next question card.
“Who will get into a fight with an elderly person and lose?”
While not as quickly as with the last question, everyone still had their cards down pretty fast: unanimously Thyx, aside from Thyx's vote for Ansaiele.
“Ha! You guys are totally right! I would've picked myself if I could've! I mean, I pretty much picked Ansaiele for the same reason I would've picked me... poor old folks have it rough! Everyone thinks they're weak and stuff, right? So I'd wanna let 'em win one,” Thyx explained, nodding to himself in approval of his own graciousness. Everyone else... well, just let him win one.
“Okay the next question is...!” Thyx began, pulling the next card out in an overdramatic fashion with several unnecessary hand gestures.
“Who!” Pose!
“Would!” Pose!
“Be!” Pose!
“The...” he turned the card over on the table slowly, drinking in the suspense while everyone else stared impatiently.
“Best partner for trivia night?!”
The votes didn't drop very quickly, and for everyone but Celethia and Ignis the choice seemed to be a difficult one to make. Eventually, though, the votes turned out in Ignis' favor.
“Well, I've known Celethia forever, so it was pretty hard to pick because she's really smart... buuut I'm pretty sure you know, like, almost literally everything,” Ansaiele said to Ignis, sounding a little guilty.
“It's okay. I would've picked him if I were you. I wouldn't put myself up against a god,” Celethia assured her.
“An important life lesson for everyone,” Ignis declared, proudly picking up the question card.
“Well... it's good to be confident in yourself!” Ansaiele nodded, picking out the next card. “Okay! Who would you hire to plan your best friend's wedding?”
The round went smoothly, with everyone but Ansaiele herself voting for Ansaiele.
“Aww, you guys! That's so sweet of you!” Ansaiele smiled. “I'd be totally happy to plan everyone's weddings! I think it'd be a lot of fun!”
“You'd really pick Thyx to plan a wedding?” Ignis asked her, as baffled as someone of his stature was willing to express.
“Sure!” she nodded, “I think Thyx could plan a super fun wedding! At the very least, it'd definitely be one that no one would forget!”
“Heh, you got that right!” Thyx grinned, pulling out a comb and brushing it through his hair. “I'd pretty much make it the best ever! It'd be totally metal! And, hey, don't worry Iggy my dude, I'll make sure you have a place in it. And for mine? You totally get dibs on best man. You've earned i-AHSDHGHJSGF OH GOD THE FIRE IT BURNS”
Celethia nonchalantly extinguished Thyx's hair with the nearest fire extinguisher – not far, as their strategic table selection ensured – and the game continued without skipping a beat.
“Who drinks whiskey in their coffee at work?” went unanimously to Ignis, and everyone was able to agree that Dicro was capable of falling up stairs. There was some disagreement, but in the end it was decided that Thyx was the most likely to contribute to bathroom stall graffiti with artistic renditions of his Sonic OC. Opinions were pretty divided, but Ansaiele won the honor of being declared the person who could give the best toast. Despite Dicro's insistence that none of them could be trusted, they settled on Celethia for “Who should give up the wheel when they need to parallel park?” thanks to her one eye meaning no depth perception in a situation where it's desperately needed. Ansaiele won another for being unable to walk more than a block without saying “hi” to someone she knew, both in part due to her large friend circle and her merciless friendliness.
“Who has thrown a birthday party for their pet?” Dicro asked, relieved that for once he didn't draw something horribly embarrassing.
“Hmm, well... none of us really have pets, unless you want to count Ignis' adorable fire puppers...” Ansaiele mused.
“Guess I'll just have to take the win, then,” Ignis shrugged, generously ignoring the usage of the word “adorable” to describe anything pertaining to him.
“Well, I figure for questions like this we should probably go for the theoretical to make things fair,” Dicro suggested. “So, like, who would throw a birthday party for their pet if all of us had one.”
“Alright, that sounds good!” Ansaiele approved, much to Ignis' mild disappointment.
Dicro collected the question card five seconds later, once again sweeping a round he read for.
“Originally I thought Ansaiele, but... I know how you are with cats,” Celethia noted.
“Well... I mean, you're not wrong,” Dicro said, rubbing his neck.
“Well, I'm all for it! As soon as we graduate we should adopt a bajillion cats and throw the best birthday parties for all of them!” Ansaiele exclaimed, already baking tiny birthday cakes in her heart.
“Whose most challenging task of the day is getting out of bed?” Ignis interrupted, reading off the next question before he was forced to suffer through another lengthy conversation about fluffy animals. Everyone returned their attention to their voting cards, and though Dicro and Ansaiele were prepared immediately everyone else seemed intensely focused.
“There's no right solution and they both have the same number of cards. It's an impossible choice,” Celethia muttered, narrowing her eyes. She looked up at Ignis and they shared a knowing glance, sealed with a subtle nod.
Everyone placed their votes down, revealing two votes for Ansaiele, one vote for Dicro, and two votes for Thyx.
“I pick Thyx,” Ignis said immediately, hoping he would never have to speak those words in a context unrelated to Thyx's painful demise ever again.
Ansaiele gasped. “Y-You... you guys betrayed the purity of this humble party game! You just picked Thyx because he has less cards!”
“Don't think of it that way. Just think of it as a generous gift,” Ignis insisted as Thyx excitedly admired his new question card.
“To be fair, we couldn't pick between you and Dicro. You two are impossible to wake up. So, we just took a third option. It was the only way to keep the game going,” Celethia explained.
“Sure. What she said.”
“I'm watching you two...” Ansaiele warned, immediately dropping her not-very-ominous air of suspicion as Thyx picked the next question card.
“Alright! Who would you find getting a little too comfortable with their significant other at the public park... ladies?” he asked, wiggling his eyebrows at Celethia and met with a cold, blank, dead stare. Nonetheless, everyone had their votes down within a few seconds: Ansaiele voted for Dicro, and everyone else voted for Ansaiele.
“Haha, you and Dicro can nap pretty much everywhere! It's pretty impressive how comfortable you guys can get! The choice was obvious!” Thyx said, wondering in the back of his mind why Dicro's face was getting all red again. Maybe he had a skin condition! It wouldn't be very metal to ask about it.
“You know, I wasn't really expecting you two to be that kind of couple. It's always impressive when someone manages to prove me wrong,” Ignis commented.
“They're pretty shameless, aren't they...” Celethia mused.
“Heehee... well, it's hard to hold back when Dicro's always being such a cutie!” Ansaiele confessed with a mischievous smile as she happily accepted her card.
“OKAY IT'S TIME FOR THE NEXT QUESTION,” Dicro shouted, voice muffled by the fact that he was thoroughly covering his face.
Satisfied, Ansaiele picked out the next card. “Okay! Who would find a way to break out of prison and succeed?”
The round was another quick one: Celethia voted for Dicro, Thyx voted for Ignis, and everyone else voted for Celethia.
“Wow!” Thyx exclaimed, looking down at the results, “I'm surprised I'm the only one who picked the Igmeister! You'd think he'd be awesome at bustin' out of jail!”
“You'd think that,” Celethia echoed, slowly claiming the question card while deliberately maintaining eye contact with Ignis, both silent and unflinching. Ansaiele and Dicro quietly made a drawn out “oooooh” noise, which Thyx awkwardly joined in a few seconds late despite having no idea what the context was.
“Who would you stand by you in a bar fight even though they know you're wrong?” Celethia asked, reading the next question and swiftly resetting the atmosphere.
“Well that's easy,” Ignis said, placing his card on the table. Everyone else seemed to have the same idea, with the vote being unanimously for Dicro.
“You're a dependable friend, but... maybe too dependable. It's okay to say no sometimes, Dicro,” Celethia advised.
“Nonsense,” Ignis disagreed, “Loyalty comes with friendship, right, Dicro?”
“The games I play for you people...” Dicro mumbled, taking his card before picking another to read off. “Who would die first if they woke up naked in the middle of-”
Everyone had slammed down their cards for Dicro before he had even finished speaking.
“You'd always die first, Dicro!” Ansaiele shrugged.
“That's true,” Dicro replied, returning the shrug and accepting the card.
Ignis selected the next card and read it off: “Who has seen the most players in the room naked?”
While Thyx pondered the question deeply and Dicro stared off into the distance, the remaining carpool members exchanged knowing glances and quietly put down Dicro's card again. Dicro gazed down at the card and gently picked it up, sighing almost imperceptibly.
“Congrats, Dicro! You won!” Ansaiele cheered, breaking the awkward silence that followed Dicro's victory.
“Uhh... cool,” he responded, squinting at his winning cards. Bondage, clumsiness, cat parties, blind loyalty, dying, and seeing people naked: these were the things he was evidently known for. By now he had made peace with it because, honestly, that formed a pretty good summary of him.
“Alright, way to go, Dicro! We sure have a lot of opinions about you!” Thyx beamed.
“Yeah, you... you definitely do.”
By the time the carpool left for the evening – still chatting amongst themselves and in high spirits – it was around 2 AM. By now there was no doubt that Chiro's Pizza would remain unattended tonight, and yet Chiro remained at the counter, posture straightened and smile as wide as ever.
“I hope you got what you were looking for!” they spoke, seemingly to no one.
There was a door beneath the counter, intended for storing supplies. Instead, what climbed out of it was Crucifera Bishopi, a student at Hell College and head of the Newspaper Club.
“Oh, I think I got enough,” he confirmed, stretching one pair of arms and taking off the vibe suppressant – a device for hiding one's presence from those who can supernaturally detect it, such as Professor Phasmatis – he was wearing with the other. He reached back inside of the cupboard to grab a tape recorder and notebook, stowing them both away in his vest.
“Another week or two of this and I think I'll have the carpool all figured out,” he continued, adjusting his hat.
“Well, that's good to hear! It'd be a shame if you jammed yourself in there for so long instead of just having me wear a wire and didn't even get anything from it!” Chiro laughed, their tone making it impossible to tell whether they were being earnest or passive-aggressive.
“Technology isn't reliable enough, Chiro. No substitute for getting up-close and personal,” Crucifera sighed, handing Chiro a small box as he hopped over the counter. “But, anyway, pleasure doing business with you, as usual.”
“You too, Climax!” Chiro replied, opening the box and peering down at its contents. “Oh, you too.”
The carpool.
Places had a way of clearing out when Ignis – Professor Phasmatis to students with an investment in their own existence – started frequenting them. He wasn't the sort to show mercy to anyone who bothered him or to care about collateral damage, especially in an environment as relaxed and morally questionable as Hell College. By this time in the semester even freshmen who had never taken a class with him knew the best way to avoid incurring his wrath: stay out of his way. Don't even get near his way. Just... get as far away as physically possible.
Yet, somehow, there were four students who threw caution to the wind and hung out with him. Like, all the time. And they carpooled together! Carpooled! Anyone willing to be in a car with Ignis for an extended period of time had to be as terrifying as he was, so the wise knew their names and faces just as well:
• Dicro Corrune: Tall, black hair, green coat. A nervous man with a smile warm enough to cause catastrophic climate change. Known for dying a lot.
• Ansaiele Alleviesse: The personification of a strawberry-flavored marshmallow. Known for being pink, sleepy, soft, and an amazing hugger. Some sort of sheep demon, but way too nice to be friends with Ignis.
• Celethia Ophidene: A one-eyed woman with a long snake tail. Known for having glares cold and sharp enough to perform invasive surgery on your soul. The only one who seemed like someone Ignis would hang out with.
• Thyx: Annoying guy with anime hair. Known for being obnoxiously friendly with everyone, assuming he was the coolest person ever, and hitting on people with clumsy, half-remembered pick-up lines.
Together, the four of them practically ran Hell College's rumor mill. None of them seemed particularly threatening, and yet they were all in the good graces of Hell College's most feared professor. Were they blackmailing him? Were they more Ignis-like than they appeared? Were they non-flammable? No one could say for sure.
Well, Chiro Shiroiro could. Despite their comparatively lowly pizza-owning gig, Chiro happened to be an individual with the gift of nigh-omniscience. And the humble truth was that Dicro was useful, and if Ignis wanted Dicro to stay that way then he'd have to tolerate Dicro's quirky band of friends. Simple as that!
Chiro stood behind the counter as usual as though they earnestly believed they'd be getting any customers tonight. It was possible. Always possible! But they were far more interested in observing the carpool's booth from afar than making money off of pizza. There was still so much more to learn! Really, their thought process wasn't too different than that of the curious students who dared to glance inside of the restaurant as they passed by:
What nefarious schemes are they planning tonight?
“It's called The Voting Game!” Ansaiele cheerfully announced, passing out the ID Cards. They all had numbers on them – intended to be given out in a manner that encouraged the game to flow counter-clockwise – but Ansaiele thought that was boring! Instead, she gave everyone the card of the color that best matched them: pink for her, blue for Celethia, green for Dicro, purple for Ignis, and yellow for Thyx! That would be way more recognizable than having to look at numbers. They each looked down at their ID cards and then back at Ansaiele, enthusiasm levels varying drastically.
“Here's how it works! Everyone gets an ID card and voting cards!” Ansaiele began explaining, handing out sets of cards to everyone that matched the colors of everyone's ID cards save their own. She made herself comfortable between Thyx and Celethia and quickly shuffled the deck of question cards, picking one off the top.
“Okay, so say it's my turn! I pick up one of these question cards. I read off what it says... 'Who could charm the pants off something that doesn't have pants?' And then everyone puts down the card that matches the player they think could charm the pants off of the pantsless!” she continued, placing the question card down on the table and pulling out her purple voting card.
“So, let's say I vote Ignis, 'cause he's a pretty charming dude who's down for a challenge...”
“You're damn right,” Ignis commented.
“Not a bad choice, but I would've picked me,” Thyx shrugged.
“...Then I put his card down once everyone else is ready! And whoever gets voted for the most wins the round and gets the question card, and whoever gets six question cards first wins the game!” Ansaiele concluded.
“What if there's a tie? Like, two people vote for one person, two people vote for another person, and the last person doesn't break the tie?” Dicro asked.
“Good question! Okay, so let's say Thyx and Celethia pick Ignis, I vote for you 'cause you're a cutie pie,”
“You're a cutie pie...” Dicro murmured embarassedly.
“Ignis picks me 'cause he can't pick himself, and you pick me 'cause you know. You know.”
While Dicro sheepishly twiddled his thumbs, Ansaiele continued her explanation: “Then whoever read the card that round gets to pick the winner between the tied answers! So since I read the card, I'd have to pick between myself or Ignis! And you can totally pick yourself, but that might make people boo at you, so I wouldn't recommend it! Make sense?”
Everyone looked amongst themselves and nodded, their brief mutterings confirming their understanding.
“Alright, then I'll start, but for real this time!” Ansaiele exclaimed, excitedly pulling another card from the pile.
“And the question iiiiiiiis...”
She dramatically slammed the card face-up on the table.
“'Who would be the best double agent?'!”
Everyone shifted their attention to their cards, and though Ansaiele was asking if everyone was ready within seconds no one seemed ready.
“I wasn't expecting this game to be so psychological,” Dicro remarked, furrowing his brow as he looked through his cards.
“Really? I had an idea right away!” Ansaiele said, glancing back down at her card as though she now doubted her pending vote.
“Me too!” Thyx agreed, less affected by the amount of thought the others seemed to be putting in.
“There's a lot to consider,” Celethia explained in her typical emotionless tone, not taking her eye off of her cards. “Who can keep secrets, who can be trusted, who's willing to lie for a living, who would be good at spying in the first place... it depends.”
Ansaiele made a “hmm” noise to herself, and a silence settled in for a few moments before she asked if everyone was ready again. Celethia, Dicro, and Ignis all seemed resigned to their answers, increasingly conscious that this experience was going to be a drag if they analyzed these party game questions too deeply.
“Okay... vote!”
Everyone placed their voting cards face-up on the table, revealing a wide array of votes: Ansaiele, Ignis, and Dicro voted for Celethia, Thyx voted for Ignis, and Celethia voted for Dicro.
“Really? He's the only one who picked me on this?” Ignis criticized, gesturing to Thyx and his typical overly cheerful expression.
“Yeah, he's already got the look for it!” Thyx nodded, proud of what he took as approval.
“Between you and Celethia it was pretty tough,” Ansaiele admitted, “but I really think Celethia would be a natural at being a double agent! I think you're better suited to more visible stuff, Ignis. Not that you wouldn't be good at it, though!”
“And, to be honest, I don't think most people would really trust you to spy for them in the first place. I mean, you're pretty clearly the kind of person who'll betray anyone once you get a better offer from someone else. And you'll probably make a scene when you do it, so... you know, no offense,” Dicro added on.
“You're just the kind of person people would expect to be a double agent. Which wouldn't make you a good double agent,” Celethia finished off, sliding the question card over to her side of the table.
“...Fair enough,” Ignis conceded, leaning back.
Ansaiele turned to her left. “Okay, Celethia, now it's your turn to read! We're going counter-clockwise!”
“Who gives the most awkward hugs?” Celethia asked, reading off the next card. This time it didn't take very long for everyone to put down their cards: Ansaiele, Celethia, and Thyx all voted for Ignis, while Dicro and Ignis voted for Celethia.
“Everytime I go in to give my main man Iggy a brohug he just sets me on fire! I think he's just not used to having such good pals. But it's cool, we'll get past that with the power of friendship!” Thyx exclaimed, thrusting his fist out toward Ignis for a fist bump that went brutally unanswered.
“I'd be kind of afraid to hug you, Ignis... I mean, it's not personal or anything, and I like hugging people! But you do set Thyx on fire for that a lot...” Ansaiele agreed, voice dropping off.
“I can't imagine you hugging anyone,” Celethia said bluntly, her expression narrowed just enough to indicate that she had tried her best and failed nonetheless.
“I dunno, I've worked at Maple Manor long enough to know that he's perfectly capable of normally hugging someone if he has a... personal investment in them,” Dicro countered.
“True. I still win, though,” Ignis said, quickly snapping up the question card.
Celethia nudged the stack of question cards in Dicro's direction. “Your turn.”
“Alright! The next question is... who has more...” his face fell almost as flat as his tone, “ropes than pillows in their bedroom.”
All of the question cards – save Dicro's – were down in about half a second, eliciting an offended gasping noise from Dicro. The votes were unanimously for him, minus the lone exception of Ignis' vote for Ansaiele.
“Wow, Ignis! You picked me?” Ansaiele asked, sounding somewhat honored.
“Why would they be in his room? That doesn't make any sense.” Ignis reasoned, slinging one arm over the edge of the booth.
“That's what I thought, too,” Celethia interjected, “but then I considered how many pillows Ansaiele has. I don't think the math works out.”
“Fair point.”
“Well, I dunno what any of this has to do with pillows, but I've always seen Dicro as being the kind of guy who could spend a lot of time tying knots!” Thyx chimed in, completely oblivious to the tone of the conversation. “Yep, he's definitely the kind of guy who's good with his hands!”
“That's true,” Ansaiele smirked.
“NEXT QUESTION,” Dicro blurted out, aggressively sliding his question card off of the table. In what was surely the greatest act of mercy Ignis Phasmatis had ever shown any entity, living or dead, he wasted no time in picking the next question card.
“Who will get into a fight with an elderly person and lose?”
While not as quickly as with the last question, everyone still had their cards down pretty fast: unanimously Thyx, aside from Thyx's vote for Ansaiele.
“Ha! You guys are totally right! I would've picked myself if I could've! I mean, I pretty much picked Ansaiele for the same reason I would've picked me... poor old folks have it rough! Everyone thinks they're weak and stuff, right? So I'd wanna let 'em win one,” Thyx explained, nodding to himself in approval of his own graciousness. Everyone else... well, just let him win one.
“Okay the next question is...!” Thyx began, pulling the next card out in an overdramatic fashion with several unnecessary hand gestures.
“Who!” Pose!
“Would!” Pose!
“Be!” Pose!
“The...” he turned the card over on the table slowly, drinking in the suspense while everyone else stared impatiently.
“Best partner for trivia night?!”
The votes didn't drop very quickly, and for everyone but Celethia and Ignis the choice seemed to be a difficult one to make. Eventually, though, the votes turned out in Ignis' favor.
“Well, I've known Celethia forever, so it was pretty hard to pick because she's really smart... buuut I'm pretty sure you know, like, almost literally everything,” Ansaiele said to Ignis, sounding a little guilty.
“It's okay. I would've picked him if I were you. I wouldn't put myself up against a god,” Celethia assured her.
“An important life lesson for everyone,” Ignis declared, proudly picking up the question card.
“Well... it's good to be confident in yourself!” Ansaiele nodded, picking out the next card. “Okay! Who would you hire to plan your best friend's wedding?”
The round went smoothly, with everyone but Ansaiele herself voting for Ansaiele.
“Aww, you guys! That's so sweet of you!” Ansaiele smiled. “I'd be totally happy to plan everyone's weddings! I think it'd be a lot of fun!”
“You'd really pick Thyx to plan a wedding?” Ignis asked her, as baffled as someone of his stature was willing to express.
“Sure!” she nodded, “I think Thyx could plan a super fun wedding! At the very least, it'd definitely be one that no one would forget!”
“Heh, you got that right!” Thyx grinned, pulling out a comb and brushing it through his hair. “I'd pretty much make it the best ever! It'd be totally metal! And, hey, don't worry Iggy my dude, I'll make sure you have a place in it. And for mine? You totally get dibs on best man. You've earned i-AHSDHGHJSGF OH GOD THE FIRE IT BURNS”
Celethia nonchalantly extinguished Thyx's hair with the nearest fire extinguisher – not far, as their strategic table selection ensured – and the game continued without skipping a beat.
“Who drinks whiskey in their coffee at work?” went unanimously to Ignis, and everyone was able to agree that Dicro was capable of falling up stairs. There was some disagreement, but in the end it was decided that Thyx was the most likely to contribute to bathroom stall graffiti with artistic renditions of his Sonic OC. Opinions were pretty divided, but Ansaiele won the honor of being declared the person who could give the best toast. Despite Dicro's insistence that none of them could be trusted, they settled on Celethia for “Who should give up the wheel when they need to parallel park?” thanks to her one eye meaning no depth perception in a situation where it's desperately needed. Ansaiele won another for being unable to walk more than a block without saying “hi” to someone she knew, both in part due to her large friend circle and her merciless friendliness.
“Who has thrown a birthday party for their pet?” Dicro asked, relieved that for once he didn't draw something horribly embarrassing.
“Hmm, well... none of us really have pets, unless you want to count Ignis' adorable fire puppers...” Ansaiele mused.
“Guess I'll just have to take the win, then,” Ignis shrugged, generously ignoring the usage of the word “adorable” to describe anything pertaining to him.
“Well, I figure for questions like this we should probably go for the theoretical to make things fair,” Dicro suggested. “So, like, who would throw a birthday party for their pet if all of us had one.”
“Alright, that sounds good!” Ansaiele approved, much to Ignis' mild disappointment.
Dicro collected the question card five seconds later, once again sweeping a round he read for.
“Originally I thought Ansaiele, but... I know how you are with cats,” Celethia noted.
“Well... I mean, you're not wrong,” Dicro said, rubbing his neck.
“Well, I'm all for it! As soon as we graduate we should adopt a bajillion cats and throw the best birthday parties for all of them!” Ansaiele exclaimed, already baking tiny birthday cakes in her heart.
“Whose most challenging task of the day is getting out of bed?” Ignis interrupted, reading off the next question before he was forced to suffer through another lengthy conversation about fluffy animals. Everyone returned their attention to their voting cards, and though Dicro and Ansaiele were prepared immediately everyone else seemed intensely focused.
“There's no right solution and they both have the same number of cards. It's an impossible choice,” Celethia muttered, narrowing her eyes. She looked up at Ignis and they shared a knowing glance, sealed with a subtle nod.
Everyone placed their votes down, revealing two votes for Ansaiele, one vote for Dicro, and two votes for Thyx.
“I pick Thyx,” Ignis said immediately, hoping he would never have to speak those words in a context unrelated to Thyx's painful demise ever again.
Ansaiele gasped. “Y-You... you guys betrayed the purity of this humble party game! You just picked Thyx because he has less cards!”
“Don't think of it that way. Just think of it as a generous gift,” Ignis insisted as Thyx excitedly admired his new question card.
“To be fair, we couldn't pick between you and Dicro. You two are impossible to wake up. So, we just took a third option. It was the only way to keep the game going,” Celethia explained.
“Sure. What she said.”
“I'm watching you two...” Ansaiele warned, immediately dropping her not-very-ominous air of suspicion as Thyx picked the next question card.
“Alright! Who would you find getting a little too comfortable with their significant other at the public park... ladies?” he asked, wiggling his eyebrows at Celethia and met with a cold, blank, dead stare. Nonetheless, everyone had their votes down within a few seconds: Ansaiele voted for Dicro, and everyone else voted for Ansaiele.
“Haha, you and Dicro can nap pretty much everywhere! It's pretty impressive how comfortable you guys can get! The choice was obvious!” Thyx said, wondering in the back of his mind why Dicro's face was getting all red again. Maybe he had a skin condition! It wouldn't be very metal to ask about it.
“You know, I wasn't really expecting you two to be that kind of couple. It's always impressive when someone manages to prove me wrong,” Ignis commented.
“They're pretty shameless, aren't they...” Celethia mused.
“Heehee... well, it's hard to hold back when Dicro's always being such a cutie!” Ansaiele confessed with a mischievous smile as she happily accepted her card.
“OKAY IT'S TIME FOR THE NEXT QUESTION,” Dicro shouted, voice muffled by the fact that he was thoroughly covering his face.
Satisfied, Ansaiele picked out the next card. “Okay! Who would find a way to break out of prison and succeed?”
The round was another quick one: Celethia voted for Dicro, Thyx voted for Ignis, and everyone else voted for Celethia.
“Wow!” Thyx exclaimed, looking down at the results, “I'm surprised I'm the only one who picked the Igmeister! You'd think he'd be awesome at bustin' out of jail!”
“You'd think that,” Celethia echoed, slowly claiming the question card while deliberately maintaining eye contact with Ignis, both silent and unflinching. Ansaiele and Dicro quietly made a drawn out “oooooh” noise, which Thyx awkwardly joined in a few seconds late despite having no idea what the context was.
“Who would you stand by you in a bar fight even though they know you're wrong?” Celethia asked, reading the next question and swiftly resetting the atmosphere.
“Well that's easy,” Ignis said, placing his card on the table. Everyone else seemed to have the same idea, with the vote being unanimously for Dicro.
“You're a dependable friend, but... maybe too dependable. It's okay to say no sometimes, Dicro,” Celethia advised.
“Nonsense,” Ignis disagreed, “Loyalty comes with friendship, right, Dicro?”
“The games I play for you people...” Dicro mumbled, taking his card before picking another to read off. “Who would die first if they woke up naked in the middle of-”
Everyone had slammed down their cards for Dicro before he had even finished speaking.
“You'd always die first, Dicro!” Ansaiele shrugged.
“That's true,” Dicro replied, returning the shrug and accepting the card.
Ignis selected the next card and read it off: “Who has seen the most players in the room naked?”
While Thyx pondered the question deeply and Dicro stared off into the distance, the remaining carpool members exchanged knowing glances and quietly put down Dicro's card again. Dicro gazed down at the card and gently picked it up, sighing almost imperceptibly.
“Congrats, Dicro! You won!” Ansaiele cheered, breaking the awkward silence that followed Dicro's victory.
“Uhh... cool,” he responded, squinting at his winning cards. Bondage, clumsiness, cat parties, blind loyalty, dying, and seeing people naked: these were the things he was evidently known for. By now he had made peace with it because, honestly, that formed a pretty good summary of him.
“Alright, way to go, Dicro! We sure have a lot of opinions about you!” Thyx beamed.
“Yeah, you... you definitely do.”
By the time the carpool left for the evening – still chatting amongst themselves and in high spirits – it was around 2 AM. By now there was no doubt that Chiro's Pizza would remain unattended tonight, and yet Chiro remained at the counter, posture straightened and smile as wide as ever.
“I hope you got what you were looking for!” they spoke, seemingly to no one.
There was a door beneath the counter, intended for storing supplies. Instead, what climbed out of it was Crucifera Bishopi, a student at Hell College and head of the Newspaper Club.
“Oh, I think I got enough,” he confirmed, stretching one pair of arms and taking off the vibe suppressant – a device for hiding one's presence from those who can supernaturally detect it, such as Professor Phasmatis – he was wearing with the other. He reached back inside of the cupboard to grab a tape recorder and notebook, stowing them both away in his vest.
“Another week or two of this and I think I'll have the carpool all figured out,” he continued, adjusting his hat.
“Well, that's good to hear! It'd be a shame if you jammed yourself in there for so long instead of just having me wear a wire and didn't even get anything from it!” Chiro laughed, their tone making it impossible to tell whether they were being earnest or passive-aggressive.
“Technology isn't reliable enough, Chiro. No substitute for getting up-close and personal,” Crucifera sighed, handing Chiro a small box as he hopped over the counter. “But, anyway, pleasure doing business with you, as usual.”
“You too, Climax!” Chiro replied, opening the box and peering down at its contents. “Oh, you too.”