Post by Tayl on Jun 21, 2017 10:12:17 GMT -6
“It's called 'Never Have I Ever'!”
“Oh no.”
It was another Saturday night at Chiro's Pizza that saw the Hell College Carpool alone with nothing but a party game an impending feeling of doom. Dicro knew there was something suspicious about innocent, child-like Thyx being swapped out for local shameless world-devourer Istra, and now his worst fears were confirmed. He was confronted with another party game. His ultimate enemy. He felt humiliated already and Ansaiele hadn't even opened the box yet.
“So, about the rules...” Ansaiele began, scooching into the booth and sandwiching Dicro between her and Istra.
“Well, I was picking out a game to play earlier with Istra, but when we got back to campus the little rules thingy and some of the cards were missing...”
“I ate them,” Istra bluntly admitted.
“...So I made up some new rules! Hopefully they'll be just as fun!” Ansaiele continued.
“Considering this doesn't involve Thyx, it's already the most fun game we've ever played,” Ignis commented.
“Behold!”
With a flashy gesture, Ansaiele pulled the sheet off of the suspiciously large object that had been wheeled next to the booth, revealing a grotesquely large water cooler repurposed to dispense booze. So, so much booze.
“I turned it into a drinking game!”
Ignis sat up, immediately looking more interested. “Can this just be the only one of these games we play?”
“Oh no,” Dicro repeated to himself. His other ultimate enemy: gratuitous amounts of booze.
“Okay, so here's how it works!” Ansaiele began anew, filling up 5 polka-dotted shot glasses and passing them around. Ignis wasted no time in replacing his with a flask and slid the shot glass across the table toward Istra, who nonchalantly swallowed it whole.
“Each of these cards says 'never have I ever,' and then a thing! If the card is true and you've never done the thing, then you just put the card in the discard pile! But if you HAVE done the thing, you have to take a shot!”
“So... how do you win?” Dicro asked, hoping his certain embarrassment would at least secure him a quick victory and freedom.
“There's not really any winning in this game!” Ansaiele shrugged, “We all just learn some neat facts about each other and have fun! And the alcohol keeps us from regretting anything until tomorrow!”
“Oh no.”
Ansaiele looked across the table at Celethia, whose flat expression hadn't changed since they got here. “Celethia, why don't you start?”
Celethia blinked slowly and then picked a card off of the deck, flipping it over.
“Never have I ever... said 'I'm never drinking again',” she read.
“...Guess I'm not drinking yet,” she said after a brief pause, glancing down at her shot glass with the faintest hint of disappointment.
“Okay, Istra, it's your turn!” Ansaiele clapped, eagerly turning toward Istra. They picked up a card and turned it over.
“Never have I ever... accepted a date to get a free meal,” they read. They furrowed their brow, “That's wrong. Free food is what dates are about. Why else would you go on one...”
“That means you have to take a shot, Istra!” Ansaiele instructed, enthusiasm fed by the game's balanced start.
“Okay,” they replied, promptly swallowing the shot glass whole.
“W-Wait, no, Istra, you're just supposed to swallow the alcohol, not the whole glass!” Ansaiele exclaimed, halfway out of her seat. “I didn't bring any extra shot glasses!”
“Oh.”
Istra casually peeled open their torso and reached inside, pulling the glass out and placing it on the table. Ansaiele gave them an approving thumbs up and, without skipping a beat, turned to Dicro.
“Okay Dicro, now it's your turn!”
“This ought to be good,” Ignis smirked, leaning in. Dicro gulped and moved his hand toward the deck as slowly as he possibly could, averting his gaze from everyone at the table as they looked on in anticipation. A chill ran up his spine as his fingers met a card. This was it. The beginning of the end. Soon, he would know only suffering.
“N-Never have I ever...” he began, eyes squeezed shut. The tension in the air was so thick that he could hear the card cut through the air as he flipped it. He opened a single eye, not prepared for his fate but accepting of its absoluteness.
“...Fallen down the stairs during a night out,” he finished, quickly sitting back up as Ignis sunk back into the booth, unamused.
“That's... that's not bad at all!” Dicro tried not to cry tears of relief. Istra softly clapped for him.
“I... uh, I guess I fall down stairs pretty often, honestly, even when it's not a night out,” he laughed nervously, reflecting less on the inherent humor in his clumsiness and more on the fragility of his own mortality and the nature of miracles. Maybe this game was tamer than he thought. It didn't seem to be too bad so far. Maybe, just maybe, he'd get out of this with some sliver of his dignity intact.
Ansaiele, excited about her turn, didn't even wait for Dicro to lift his glass before plucking up a card.
“Never have I ever... been woken up with oral sex! Well, that's not true! Guy Fieri waits for no one, right Dicro? When it's time, it's time! I can nap later!”
Dicro promptly spat out his drink. And his dignity. Ignis' expression quickly cycled between satisfaction, confusion, and finally morbid curiosity.
“What does Guy Fieri have to do with your sex life?” Ignis asked.
“...I never wanted to hear those words together,” Celethia commented.
“Oh! Well, y'know how Food Network always runs Diners, Drive-Ins, and Dives all day on Fridays? Like, ALL day?” Ansaiele began, Dicro's frozen face turning increasingly red.
“Never miss it,” Ignis said.
“Well, basically, we have to beat Guy Fieri! Friday nights are a test of strength,” Ansaiele continued, looking determined, “If we can't outlast Guy Fieri in a simple extended dining experience, then how can we possibly have enough stamina to face the Underkings and graduate?”
“...Also, it's fun to have something to look forward to at the end of every week,” she added on, her tail flicking back and forth mischievously.
“Ahh, I get it. And because it's called Diners, Drive-Ins, and-”
“Exactly! It's just the perfect opportunity!” Ansaiele nodded.
“Huh,” Ignis leaned back again, rubbing his chin, “that explains why you two never show up to any of my screenings, then.”
“Sorry, Ignis,” Ansaiele apologized, her tail slowing down, “Some things are just too important to sacrifice. I hope you understand”
“It's not really that big of a deal,” Ignis dismissed with a wave of his hand, turning his attention to Dicro, “But you could've just told me. You can get paid vacation time for trips to Flavortown.”
“SHUT UP!!!!!!!!!!” Dicro shouted, burying his face in his hands.
“You know, I'm really starting to get the appeal of these games,” Ignis grinned, picking up the next card as Ansaiele downed her shot.
“Never have I ever given beer or hard liquor to a dog or cat,” he read. He glanced over at Istra – locked in a fierce unchanging neutral expression battle with Celethia – and then to Ansaiele.
“Does Istra count as a cat?” he asked.
“Hmm... it wouldn't feel right to say no to that...” Ansaiele said, mulling it over.
“Then it looks like I have. Not like they wouldn't just get into it on their own, anyway,” he concluded, taking a swig from his flask.
“It's good that you know where you stand,” Istra approved, looking pleased.
“Yeah, yeah. Your turn.” Ignis said, turning his attention to Celethia. She picked up the next card without hesitation.
“Never have I ever given someone a drug without them knowing,” she read. She sighed imperceptibly, downing her shot a bit too quickly.
“...Research requires one to relax their morals,” she explained on the tail end of a silent “finally,” adjusting her posture a bit.
Istra immediately snapped up the next card before anyone could respond to Celethia's questionable work practices. Not that anyone had any intentions of doing so: it wasn't exactly secret, and questioning Celethia was... unwise.
“Never have I ever... been caught masturbating.”
They looked up from the card as the others – minus Dicro, still paralyzed by embarassment – starting muttering amongst themselves: “oh yeah, all the time;” “how do you keep unlocking the door;” “you have access to dozens of empty rooms with locks and instead you pick the lounge;” “really, it happens a lot;” “is it really being caught if they don't care?;” “they don't even stop...”
“You say that like it's a bad thing,” Istra spoke up, puffing out their cheeks a little.
“It's an honor to see me in the throes of passion,” they insisted, closing their eyes and turning their head, “though I suppose I can understand not feeling worthy and leaving...”
“Well, I'm glad you're having fun! But it might be a good idea to find more private places for that kind of thing,” Ansaiele gently suggested, “and maybe not other people's rooms... unless you get permission!”
Istra made a low “hmmm” noise, closer to a growling cat than a signal of earnest contemplation.
“...Other people's beds are warm, though,” they argued under their breath, opening their eyes again.
“Don't you have any hobbies that don't involve eating everything in my manor, sleeping in the middle of the hallway, and getting off wherever it's the most inconvenient at any given time?” Ignis asked, only mildly annoyed thanks to decades of reluctant experience.
Istra contemplated Ignis' question, bringing a hand to their chin.
“I like hanging out with Dicro,” they answered enthusiastically, suddenly beaming.
“...Most of those are the same thing for you,” Celethia quipped.
“Very observant of you,” Istra nodded, glowing with pride. Dicro somehow buried his face even further into his hands.
“Speaking of which, it's Dicro's turn!” Ansaiele announced, turning to Dicro. Istra took their shot, nearly forgetting to not just eat the glass again.
Everyone eagerly turned their attention to Dicro again as he, after a few moments, forced a hand to drag itself across the table and pick a card.
“...had to explain visible sex bruises,” he mumbled.
“I don't think you have to explain that,” Ignis said, the rest of the table nodding and agreeing.
As though it was a machine, Dicro's hand moved over the discard pile and dropped the card before returning to his face.
“Okay, my turn!” Ansaiele said excitedly, picking out the next card.
“Never have I ever... had a sexual dream involving someone here.”
Ansaiele's lips curled into a cat-like smile as she brought a hand to her lips.
“Hehe, weeelllll... let's just say I'm no stranger to naughty dreams,” she giggled, using her tail to refill her shot glass so she could maintain her >:3c face.
“Figures. Being able to control dreams seems pretty convenient for that,” Ignis commented.
“Oh, totally! It's great, 'cause you can just do whatever you want for however long you want!” Ansaiele agreed, “Plus, it makes it easy to do all kinds of things that would be way harder to pull off in real life...”
Ansaiele wiggled her eyebrows, and Dicro made a distressed squeaking noise. Ansaiele responded by kissing him on the cheek and taking her shot.
“Aww, okay, I'll stop there and take it easy on you this time!” she assured him, nuzzling up against him. Istra silently moved closer as well.
“I think I'd still prefer the real thing. On that note,” Ignis took a drink immediately after drawing the next card, “had sex at work. I'd say that's basically the whole point of this place.”
“Hell College or Maple Manor?” Ansaiele asked.
“Both.”
“That's true!”
Half an hour later, everyone had at least a few cards in their name and a few shots in their system. One half of the table proved to have a weaker constitution than the other, however: Istra, Dicro, and Ansaiele had turned their booth into more of a cuddle pile. It was glued together by the disconcerting number of tentacles that had spilled out of Istra's torso over time and Ansaiele's sheer talent for cuddling, though Dicro – the snuggle sandwich's absolutely wasted filling – wasn't restricted enough to keep him from grabbing another card.
“Listen, let's just... let's just be honest here,” Dicro slurred, taking a shot as he dropped the “had sex with multiple people in this room” card on the table. “I've had... I've had sex with everyone in this room, multiple times, except... except Ignis. Sometimes... sometimes most of them at the same time so let's, like... let's not kid ourselves here. You have, uh... you have my number though, for the record, so like... yeah.”
Ignis looked back at Chiro Shiroiro – the owner of the store – who had been silently standing at the front counter the entire time, just as always.
“Oh, yes, absolutely!” Chiro confirmed with a smile. Ignis glanced over at Celethia next. Though she and Ignis were the only ones remaining with anything resembling sobriety – not for lack of drinking – by now Celethia had enough in her to be visibly loosened up.
“...He's cute,” she shrugged.
“I mean really, I've... I've really, uh, I've done some shit with basically everyone on campus, if you think about it,” Dicro continued, waving a hand about. “Like... pretty much... pretty much if I know someone and they're like 'hey' I'm just gonna be like... yeah. I mean I've... like let's see there's... I've, uh...”
He tried counting on his fingers, but none of his movements followed any recognizable number system.
“Like, most of my friends... and professors... and more than one Underking... and like, a shitton of things in the labyrinth... and like... y-y'know, I mean, I guess it really depends on, uh... on what you- on how you define sex, actually... 'cause I'm, like, I'm into some stuff that's like... you probably wouldn't... uh...” his head lolled over onto Istra's chest, “I dunno if everyone would... uh... if... what was I saying?”
“Okay! Okay okay okay, it's! It's my turn,” Ansaiele spoke up, her hand aimlessly probing around the table until Ignis nudged the deck closer.
“Okay! Never have I ever never have ever never ever... chosen to play video games over sex?! Pffffffffffff, yeah right!” she laughed, her tail wriggling around like a worm at a disco, “That's... you don't even have to choose! Y'just... you just do both, DUH! Who even, who even writes these questions, am I right?”
Ansaiele continued laughing as she tossed the card on the table, missing her pile completely. She didn't bother taking a shot, seeing that Istra had eaten both her glass and their own a round or two ago.
“I know, right? It's like... it's like... why would you even... I dunno, I guess some people just aren't very creative,” Dicro added on.
“They sure aren't,” Ignis said as he grabbed a card for his turn, having learned significantly more about his associates this evening than he had anticipated.
“Never have I ever masturbated with a vegetable,” he read off before quickly tossing it into the discard pile.
“I wouldn't fuck a salad,” he stated matter-of-factly.
“Wh...what have salads ever done to you?” Dicro asked, almost sounding a little offended.
“I don't trust those shifty bastards,” he answered.
“Well, that's... you shouldn't judge a leaf by its lettuce... that's my joke. Thanks for listening,” Dicro responded. Ignis stared at him for a moment before looking over at Celethia expectantly.
“Right,” she said, picking a card. “Never have I ever played with someone else's sex toy.”
Celethia looked over at Dicro.
“In a manner of speaking,” she concluded, taking a shot.
“Seems like cheating,” Ignis remarked.
“I'm just sparing you the details,” Celethia insisted, “though not for your sake.”
“...Fair enough.”
Celethia poked at Istra under the table with her tail after taking her shot. “Istra, it's your turn.”
Istra's state of mind was unclear. Their eyes had been closed for the entire round, but they were too upright and responsive to Dicro and Ansaiele's movements to not be awake. After being unresponsive for long enough to allow an awkward silence to settle in, Istra suddenly picked up a card and swallowed it, not even reading what it said.
“No Istra, remember, you gotta... you gotta read the card,” Ansaiele reminded them, reaching up and patting them on the arm.
“Oh,” Istra replied, remaining silent and still for almost a full minute before speaking up again.
“Never have I ever had the urge to follow a beautiful stranger. That's wrong. I wanted to follow Dicro the first time I saw him.”
“I-Istra... that's gay...” Dicro murmured, blushing.
“Wait,” Ignis interjected, “you just read off of a card you ate.”
“Yeah.”
“How?”
“By reading the card.”
“How could you read the card if it was already inside of you?”
“By looking at it.”
Ignis almost responded, stopped himself, then almost responded again. He gathered his thoughts, giving it one more go despite his better judgment.
“So you're telling me you can see anything that's inside of you?” he asked.
“Yeah.”
Ignis contemplated this, and then turned to Dicro.
“Dicro, take out your phone,” he ordered.
“Sure man whatever,” Dicro replied, lazily rummaging through his pockets until he found his phone.
“Alright, now go to your texts with Ansaiele.” Ignis continued.
“Uhh okay dude, done.”
“Now, Istra, eat his phone.”
“Okay.”
Istra nonchalantly plucked the phone out of Dicro's hand and swallowed it whole. Dicro offered little resistance, his reaction time so delayed that it took a solid 30 seconds for him to put his hand back down again.
“And now read off all of his recent texts with her.”
Dicro squinted. “Wait... wait a minute, here...”
“This cat made me think of you,” Istra began, voice deadpan, “Then there's a picture of a cat. Then Ansaiele said 'aww, you're so sweet!!' and then there was a cake emoji. Then Dicro said 'you're so sweet...' Then Ansaiele said 'well you're the sweetest!!' and a bunch of ice cream emojis. And then Dicro said 'noooo you're the sweetest.' And then Ansaiele said 'actually, YOU'RE the sweetest AND the cutest!!' and a bunch of heart emojis. And then Dicro said 'noooo that's not possible you're the most sweetest and cutest ever!!!' And then Ansaiele-”
“Okay, I think we get the point,” Ignis interrupted with a sigh. “Was really hoping for something more embarrassing than that...”
“Ansaiele... Ansaiele's the cutest, though, for the record, and also the sweetest,” Dicro informed them all.
“No, you're the cutest and sweetest, Dicro! The most cutest and sweetest of all!” Ansaiele argued, snuggling up closer to him.
“Noooo Ansaiele you're the cutest and sweetest,” Dicro murmured, burying his face in Istra's chest.
“Umm, how can that be possible when YOU'RE the cutest and sweetest though??” Ansaiele denied, playfully drawing hearts on his shoulder with her finger.
Ignis rubbed one of his temples and groaned, defeated.
“You brought this on yourself, Ignis,” Celethia chided. “That's called karma.”
Another half and hour later, the cuddlepile had slid under the table and all of its members were completely knocked out cold – though, to be fair, only Dicro's unconsciousness was due to intoxication. Ansaiele and Istra just happened to be naturally sleepy people.
By now it was impossible to tell who had the most cards. Everyone's piles had collapsed to some extent due to sloppy stacking, not to mention that for similar reasons the discard pile and deck of new cards were barely distinguishable.
The game was down to Ignis and Celethia, the latter of whom had moved to the other side of the table. Celethia's hand twitched above the deck of cards, her steely gaze reciprocated. Now the true game had begun.
“Worn sweatpants to work.” Drink.
“Had sex more than six times in one day.” Drink.
“Gone straight to work from being out the night before.” Drink.
“Had my boss tell me that my work sucks.” Discard.
“Had something stuck in an orifice.” Split-second hesitation. Drink.
“Given a back or neck massage with no ulterior motive.” Drink.
“Had sex with a co-worker.” Drink.
“Had someone else do my work and pretended it was my own.” Drink.
“Accidentally forwarded an e-mail to a co-worker that talked shit about them.” Discard. Celethia never made accidents with shit-talking.
“Given alcohol to minors.” Drink. Nette was a hilarious drunk.
“Been the center of a bad rumor.” Drink-
Click.
Both of them turned around to discover that the water cooler was finally empty. They stared at it for a moment before looking at each other.
“Let's take this back to the manor,” Ignis suggested.
“Let's.”
They both exited the booth and left the restaurant, leaving the cuddlepile and the game as they were. Chiro remained still at the counter, smiling as always.
“Ah, it sure is great to see people having so much fun here at Chiro's Pizza!” they said to no one. “Chiro's Pizza, here at the Hell College food court! Open 24 hours on Saturdays! Kids eat free on Tuesdays! Chiro's Pizza!”
Orange yawned as he walked into Chiro's Pizza, a little sleepy but ready for another rewarding day of work!
“Good morning, Chiro! How did last night g-”
Orange stopped in his tracks. One of the tables was covered in cards of some sort. Not even just the table: they were strewn across the booths and floor as well. Far more worrisome, however, were the three bodies underneath the table. And there were tentacles for some reason?! And why was there a giant empty water cooler?
“C-Chiro! What happened?!” he asked frantically, running over to the table to make sure the people underneath it were even alive.
“Oh, don't worry, Orange! It was just some lovely customers having a fun time here at Chiro's Pizza!” Chiro assured him. “Chiro's Pizza, here at the Hell College food court! Open 24 hours on Saturdays! Kids eat free on Tuesdays! Chiro's Pizza!”
Orange looked back over at Chiro, beads of sweat beginning to form on his face.
“Delivery service available during business hours! Chiro's Pizza!”
He was beginning to wonder if taking this job was a good idea.
“Oh no.”
It was another Saturday night at Chiro's Pizza that saw the Hell College Carpool alone with nothing but a party game an impending feeling of doom. Dicro knew there was something suspicious about innocent, child-like Thyx being swapped out for local shameless world-devourer Istra, and now his worst fears were confirmed. He was confronted with another party game. His ultimate enemy. He felt humiliated already and Ansaiele hadn't even opened the box yet.
“So, about the rules...” Ansaiele began, scooching into the booth and sandwiching Dicro between her and Istra.
“Well, I was picking out a game to play earlier with Istra, but when we got back to campus the little rules thingy and some of the cards were missing...”
“I ate them,” Istra bluntly admitted.
“...So I made up some new rules! Hopefully they'll be just as fun!” Ansaiele continued.
“Considering this doesn't involve Thyx, it's already the most fun game we've ever played,” Ignis commented.
“Behold!”
With a flashy gesture, Ansaiele pulled the sheet off of the suspiciously large object that had been wheeled next to the booth, revealing a grotesquely large water cooler repurposed to dispense booze. So, so much booze.
“I turned it into a drinking game!”
Ignis sat up, immediately looking more interested. “Can this just be the only one of these games we play?”
“Oh no,” Dicro repeated to himself. His other ultimate enemy: gratuitous amounts of booze.
“Okay, so here's how it works!” Ansaiele began anew, filling up 5 polka-dotted shot glasses and passing them around. Ignis wasted no time in replacing his with a flask and slid the shot glass across the table toward Istra, who nonchalantly swallowed it whole.
“Each of these cards says 'never have I ever,' and then a thing! If the card is true and you've never done the thing, then you just put the card in the discard pile! But if you HAVE done the thing, you have to take a shot!”
“So... how do you win?” Dicro asked, hoping his certain embarrassment would at least secure him a quick victory and freedom.
“There's not really any winning in this game!” Ansaiele shrugged, “We all just learn some neat facts about each other and have fun! And the alcohol keeps us from regretting anything until tomorrow!”
“Oh no.”
Ansaiele looked across the table at Celethia, whose flat expression hadn't changed since they got here. “Celethia, why don't you start?”
Celethia blinked slowly and then picked a card off of the deck, flipping it over.
“Never have I ever... said 'I'm never drinking again',” she read.
“...Guess I'm not drinking yet,” she said after a brief pause, glancing down at her shot glass with the faintest hint of disappointment.
“Okay, Istra, it's your turn!” Ansaiele clapped, eagerly turning toward Istra. They picked up a card and turned it over.
“Never have I ever... accepted a date to get a free meal,” they read. They furrowed their brow, “That's wrong. Free food is what dates are about. Why else would you go on one...”
“That means you have to take a shot, Istra!” Ansaiele instructed, enthusiasm fed by the game's balanced start.
“Okay,” they replied, promptly swallowing the shot glass whole.
“W-Wait, no, Istra, you're just supposed to swallow the alcohol, not the whole glass!” Ansaiele exclaimed, halfway out of her seat. “I didn't bring any extra shot glasses!”
“Oh.”
Istra casually peeled open their torso and reached inside, pulling the glass out and placing it on the table. Ansaiele gave them an approving thumbs up and, without skipping a beat, turned to Dicro.
“Okay Dicro, now it's your turn!”
“This ought to be good,” Ignis smirked, leaning in. Dicro gulped and moved his hand toward the deck as slowly as he possibly could, averting his gaze from everyone at the table as they looked on in anticipation. A chill ran up his spine as his fingers met a card. This was it. The beginning of the end. Soon, he would know only suffering.
“N-Never have I ever...” he began, eyes squeezed shut. The tension in the air was so thick that he could hear the card cut through the air as he flipped it. He opened a single eye, not prepared for his fate but accepting of its absoluteness.
“...Fallen down the stairs during a night out,” he finished, quickly sitting back up as Ignis sunk back into the booth, unamused.
“That's... that's not bad at all!” Dicro tried not to cry tears of relief. Istra softly clapped for him.
“I... uh, I guess I fall down stairs pretty often, honestly, even when it's not a night out,” he laughed nervously, reflecting less on the inherent humor in his clumsiness and more on the fragility of his own mortality and the nature of miracles. Maybe this game was tamer than he thought. It didn't seem to be too bad so far. Maybe, just maybe, he'd get out of this with some sliver of his dignity intact.
Ansaiele, excited about her turn, didn't even wait for Dicro to lift his glass before plucking up a card.
“Never have I ever... been woken up with oral sex! Well, that's not true! Guy Fieri waits for no one, right Dicro? When it's time, it's time! I can nap later!”
Dicro promptly spat out his drink. And his dignity. Ignis' expression quickly cycled between satisfaction, confusion, and finally morbid curiosity.
“What does Guy Fieri have to do with your sex life?” Ignis asked.
“...I never wanted to hear those words together,” Celethia commented.
“Oh! Well, y'know how Food Network always runs Diners, Drive-Ins, and Dives all day on Fridays? Like, ALL day?” Ansaiele began, Dicro's frozen face turning increasingly red.
“Never miss it,” Ignis said.
“Well, basically, we have to beat Guy Fieri! Friday nights are a test of strength,” Ansaiele continued, looking determined, “If we can't outlast Guy Fieri in a simple extended dining experience, then how can we possibly have enough stamina to face the Underkings and graduate?”
“...Also, it's fun to have something to look forward to at the end of every week,” she added on, her tail flicking back and forth mischievously.
“Ahh, I get it. And because it's called Diners, Drive-Ins, and-”
“Exactly! It's just the perfect opportunity!” Ansaiele nodded.
“Huh,” Ignis leaned back again, rubbing his chin, “that explains why you two never show up to any of my screenings, then.”
“Sorry, Ignis,” Ansaiele apologized, her tail slowing down, “Some things are just too important to sacrifice. I hope you understand”
“It's not really that big of a deal,” Ignis dismissed with a wave of his hand, turning his attention to Dicro, “But you could've just told me. You can get paid vacation time for trips to Flavortown.”
“SHUT UP!!!!!!!!!!” Dicro shouted, burying his face in his hands.
“You know, I'm really starting to get the appeal of these games,” Ignis grinned, picking up the next card as Ansaiele downed her shot.
“Never have I ever given beer or hard liquor to a dog or cat,” he read. He glanced over at Istra – locked in a fierce unchanging neutral expression battle with Celethia – and then to Ansaiele.
“Does Istra count as a cat?” he asked.
“Hmm... it wouldn't feel right to say no to that...” Ansaiele said, mulling it over.
“Then it looks like I have. Not like they wouldn't just get into it on their own, anyway,” he concluded, taking a swig from his flask.
“It's good that you know where you stand,” Istra approved, looking pleased.
“Yeah, yeah. Your turn.” Ignis said, turning his attention to Celethia. She picked up the next card without hesitation.
“Never have I ever given someone a drug without them knowing,” she read. She sighed imperceptibly, downing her shot a bit too quickly.
“...Research requires one to relax their morals,” she explained on the tail end of a silent “finally,” adjusting her posture a bit.
Istra immediately snapped up the next card before anyone could respond to Celethia's questionable work practices. Not that anyone had any intentions of doing so: it wasn't exactly secret, and questioning Celethia was... unwise.
“Never have I ever... been caught masturbating.”
They looked up from the card as the others – minus Dicro, still paralyzed by embarassment – starting muttering amongst themselves: “oh yeah, all the time;” “how do you keep unlocking the door;” “you have access to dozens of empty rooms with locks and instead you pick the lounge;” “really, it happens a lot;” “is it really being caught if they don't care?;” “they don't even stop...”
“You say that like it's a bad thing,” Istra spoke up, puffing out their cheeks a little.
“It's an honor to see me in the throes of passion,” they insisted, closing their eyes and turning their head, “though I suppose I can understand not feeling worthy and leaving...”
“Well, I'm glad you're having fun! But it might be a good idea to find more private places for that kind of thing,” Ansaiele gently suggested, “and maybe not other people's rooms... unless you get permission!”
Istra made a low “hmmm” noise, closer to a growling cat than a signal of earnest contemplation.
“...Other people's beds are warm, though,” they argued under their breath, opening their eyes again.
“Don't you have any hobbies that don't involve eating everything in my manor, sleeping in the middle of the hallway, and getting off wherever it's the most inconvenient at any given time?” Ignis asked, only mildly annoyed thanks to decades of reluctant experience.
Istra contemplated Ignis' question, bringing a hand to their chin.
“I like hanging out with Dicro,” they answered enthusiastically, suddenly beaming.
“...Most of those are the same thing for you,” Celethia quipped.
“Very observant of you,” Istra nodded, glowing with pride. Dicro somehow buried his face even further into his hands.
“Speaking of which, it's Dicro's turn!” Ansaiele announced, turning to Dicro. Istra took their shot, nearly forgetting to not just eat the glass again.
Everyone eagerly turned their attention to Dicro again as he, after a few moments, forced a hand to drag itself across the table and pick a card.
“...had to explain visible sex bruises,” he mumbled.
“I don't think you have to explain that,” Ignis said, the rest of the table nodding and agreeing.
As though it was a machine, Dicro's hand moved over the discard pile and dropped the card before returning to his face.
“Okay, my turn!” Ansaiele said excitedly, picking out the next card.
“Never have I ever... had a sexual dream involving someone here.”
Ansaiele's lips curled into a cat-like smile as she brought a hand to her lips.
“Hehe, weeelllll... let's just say I'm no stranger to naughty dreams,” she giggled, using her tail to refill her shot glass so she could maintain her >:3c face.
“Figures. Being able to control dreams seems pretty convenient for that,” Ignis commented.
“Oh, totally! It's great, 'cause you can just do whatever you want for however long you want!” Ansaiele agreed, “Plus, it makes it easy to do all kinds of things that would be way harder to pull off in real life...”
Ansaiele wiggled her eyebrows, and Dicro made a distressed squeaking noise. Ansaiele responded by kissing him on the cheek and taking her shot.
“Aww, okay, I'll stop there and take it easy on you this time!” she assured him, nuzzling up against him. Istra silently moved closer as well.
“I think I'd still prefer the real thing. On that note,” Ignis took a drink immediately after drawing the next card, “had sex at work. I'd say that's basically the whole point of this place.”
“Hell College or Maple Manor?” Ansaiele asked.
“Both.”
“That's true!”
Half an hour later, everyone had at least a few cards in their name and a few shots in their system. One half of the table proved to have a weaker constitution than the other, however: Istra, Dicro, and Ansaiele had turned their booth into more of a cuddle pile. It was glued together by the disconcerting number of tentacles that had spilled out of Istra's torso over time and Ansaiele's sheer talent for cuddling, though Dicro – the snuggle sandwich's absolutely wasted filling – wasn't restricted enough to keep him from grabbing another card.
“Listen, let's just... let's just be honest here,” Dicro slurred, taking a shot as he dropped the “had sex with multiple people in this room” card on the table. “I've had... I've had sex with everyone in this room, multiple times, except... except Ignis. Sometimes... sometimes most of them at the same time so let's, like... let's not kid ourselves here. You have, uh... you have my number though, for the record, so like... yeah.”
Ignis looked back at Chiro Shiroiro – the owner of the store – who had been silently standing at the front counter the entire time, just as always.
“Oh, yes, absolutely!” Chiro confirmed with a smile. Ignis glanced over at Celethia next. Though she and Ignis were the only ones remaining with anything resembling sobriety – not for lack of drinking – by now Celethia had enough in her to be visibly loosened up.
“...He's cute,” she shrugged.
“I mean really, I've... I've really, uh, I've done some shit with basically everyone on campus, if you think about it,” Dicro continued, waving a hand about. “Like... pretty much... pretty much if I know someone and they're like 'hey' I'm just gonna be like... yeah. I mean I've... like let's see there's... I've, uh...”
He tried counting on his fingers, but none of his movements followed any recognizable number system.
“Like, most of my friends... and professors... and more than one Underking... and like, a shitton of things in the labyrinth... and like... y-y'know, I mean, I guess it really depends on, uh... on what you- on how you define sex, actually... 'cause I'm, like, I'm into some stuff that's like... you probably wouldn't... uh...” his head lolled over onto Istra's chest, “I dunno if everyone would... uh... if... what was I saying?”
“Okay! Okay okay okay, it's! It's my turn,” Ansaiele spoke up, her hand aimlessly probing around the table until Ignis nudged the deck closer.
“Okay! Never have I ever never have ever never ever... chosen to play video games over sex?! Pffffffffffff, yeah right!” she laughed, her tail wriggling around like a worm at a disco, “That's... you don't even have to choose! Y'just... you just do both, DUH! Who even, who even writes these questions, am I right?”
Ansaiele continued laughing as she tossed the card on the table, missing her pile completely. She didn't bother taking a shot, seeing that Istra had eaten both her glass and their own a round or two ago.
“I know, right? It's like... it's like... why would you even... I dunno, I guess some people just aren't very creative,” Dicro added on.
“They sure aren't,” Ignis said as he grabbed a card for his turn, having learned significantly more about his associates this evening than he had anticipated.
“Never have I ever masturbated with a vegetable,” he read off before quickly tossing it into the discard pile.
“I wouldn't fuck a salad,” he stated matter-of-factly.
“Wh...what have salads ever done to you?” Dicro asked, almost sounding a little offended.
“I don't trust those shifty bastards,” he answered.
“Well, that's... you shouldn't judge a leaf by its lettuce... that's my joke. Thanks for listening,” Dicro responded. Ignis stared at him for a moment before looking over at Celethia expectantly.
“Right,” she said, picking a card. “Never have I ever played with someone else's sex toy.”
Celethia looked over at Dicro.
“In a manner of speaking,” she concluded, taking a shot.
“Seems like cheating,” Ignis remarked.
“I'm just sparing you the details,” Celethia insisted, “though not for your sake.”
“...Fair enough.”
Celethia poked at Istra under the table with her tail after taking her shot. “Istra, it's your turn.”
Istra's state of mind was unclear. Their eyes had been closed for the entire round, but they were too upright and responsive to Dicro and Ansaiele's movements to not be awake. After being unresponsive for long enough to allow an awkward silence to settle in, Istra suddenly picked up a card and swallowed it, not even reading what it said.
“No Istra, remember, you gotta... you gotta read the card,” Ansaiele reminded them, reaching up and patting them on the arm.
“Oh,” Istra replied, remaining silent and still for almost a full minute before speaking up again.
“Never have I ever had the urge to follow a beautiful stranger. That's wrong. I wanted to follow Dicro the first time I saw him.”
“I-Istra... that's gay...” Dicro murmured, blushing.
“Wait,” Ignis interjected, “you just read off of a card you ate.”
“Yeah.”
“How?”
“By reading the card.”
“How could you read the card if it was already inside of you?”
“By looking at it.”
Ignis almost responded, stopped himself, then almost responded again. He gathered his thoughts, giving it one more go despite his better judgment.
“So you're telling me you can see anything that's inside of you?” he asked.
“Yeah.”
Ignis contemplated this, and then turned to Dicro.
“Dicro, take out your phone,” he ordered.
“Sure man whatever,” Dicro replied, lazily rummaging through his pockets until he found his phone.
“Alright, now go to your texts with Ansaiele.” Ignis continued.
“Uhh okay dude, done.”
“Now, Istra, eat his phone.”
“Okay.”
Istra nonchalantly plucked the phone out of Dicro's hand and swallowed it whole. Dicro offered little resistance, his reaction time so delayed that it took a solid 30 seconds for him to put his hand back down again.
“And now read off all of his recent texts with her.”
Dicro squinted. “Wait... wait a minute, here...”
“This cat made me think of you,” Istra began, voice deadpan, “Then there's a picture of a cat. Then Ansaiele said 'aww, you're so sweet!!' and then there was a cake emoji. Then Dicro said 'you're so sweet...' Then Ansaiele said 'well you're the sweetest!!' and a bunch of ice cream emojis. And then Dicro said 'noooo you're the sweetest.' And then Ansaiele said 'actually, YOU'RE the sweetest AND the cutest!!' and a bunch of heart emojis. And then Dicro said 'noooo that's not possible you're the most sweetest and cutest ever!!!' And then Ansaiele-”
“Okay, I think we get the point,” Ignis interrupted with a sigh. “Was really hoping for something more embarrassing than that...”
“Ansaiele... Ansaiele's the cutest, though, for the record, and also the sweetest,” Dicro informed them all.
“No, you're the cutest and sweetest, Dicro! The most cutest and sweetest of all!” Ansaiele argued, snuggling up closer to him.
“Noooo Ansaiele you're the cutest and sweetest,” Dicro murmured, burying his face in Istra's chest.
“Umm, how can that be possible when YOU'RE the cutest and sweetest though??” Ansaiele denied, playfully drawing hearts on his shoulder with her finger.
Ignis rubbed one of his temples and groaned, defeated.
“You brought this on yourself, Ignis,” Celethia chided. “That's called karma.”
Another half and hour later, the cuddlepile had slid under the table and all of its members were completely knocked out cold – though, to be fair, only Dicro's unconsciousness was due to intoxication. Ansaiele and Istra just happened to be naturally sleepy people.
By now it was impossible to tell who had the most cards. Everyone's piles had collapsed to some extent due to sloppy stacking, not to mention that for similar reasons the discard pile and deck of new cards were barely distinguishable.
The game was down to Ignis and Celethia, the latter of whom had moved to the other side of the table. Celethia's hand twitched above the deck of cards, her steely gaze reciprocated. Now the true game had begun.
“Worn sweatpants to work.” Drink.
“Had sex more than six times in one day.” Drink.
“Gone straight to work from being out the night before.” Drink.
“Had my boss tell me that my work sucks.” Discard.
“Had something stuck in an orifice.” Split-second hesitation. Drink.
“Given a back or neck massage with no ulterior motive.” Drink.
“Had sex with a co-worker.” Drink.
“Had someone else do my work and pretended it was my own.” Drink.
“Accidentally forwarded an e-mail to a co-worker that talked shit about them.” Discard. Celethia never made accidents with shit-talking.
“Given alcohol to minors.” Drink. Nette was a hilarious drunk.
“Been the center of a bad rumor.” Drink-
Click.
Both of them turned around to discover that the water cooler was finally empty. They stared at it for a moment before looking at each other.
“Let's take this back to the manor,” Ignis suggested.
“Let's.”
They both exited the booth and left the restaurant, leaving the cuddlepile and the game as they were. Chiro remained still at the counter, smiling as always.
“Ah, it sure is great to see people having so much fun here at Chiro's Pizza!” they said to no one. “Chiro's Pizza, here at the Hell College food court! Open 24 hours on Saturdays! Kids eat free on Tuesdays! Chiro's Pizza!”
Orange yawned as he walked into Chiro's Pizza, a little sleepy but ready for another rewarding day of work!
“Good morning, Chiro! How did last night g-”
Orange stopped in his tracks. One of the tables was covered in cards of some sort. Not even just the table: they were strewn across the booths and floor as well. Far more worrisome, however, were the three bodies underneath the table. And there were tentacles for some reason?! And why was there a giant empty water cooler?
“C-Chiro! What happened?!” he asked frantically, running over to the table to make sure the people underneath it were even alive.
“Oh, don't worry, Orange! It was just some lovely customers having a fun time here at Chiro's Pizza!” Chiro assured him. “Chiro's Pizza, here at the Hell College food court! Open 24 hours on Saturdays! Kids eat free on Tuesdays! Chiro's Pizza!”
Orange looked back over at Chiro, beads of sweat beginning to form on his face.
“Delivery service available during business hours! Chiro's Pizza!”
He was beginning to wonder if taking this job was a good idea.